The Blond, the Gay and the Abnormal

The Blond, the Gay and the Abnormal

Plot:
The SWAT Team is trying to corner a suspect in the city’s complex sewer system. They split into teams so that they may corner him. Fernando keeps watch over the exits where is overtaken by his other personality, Francine. Candy tells Alejandro that she’s pregnant; Alejandro doesn’t believe her and announces that he is gay. Meanwhile, March shares some news with Nigel that leads him to an awful confession. In the shocking climax, a betrayer is revealed and secrets are told.
Characters:
Alejandro: S.W.A.T. team member who is questioning his sexuality. He has had previous “relations” with fellow team member Candy. He is a germaphobic and a hypochondriac. He always thinks he is sick. His code-name the king.

Candy: A ditzy blond, who loves Alejandro. She is very emotional and tends to cry at the drop of a hat. She is easily corrupted. Her code name is queen.

March: She is unpredictable and wants to know the where-abouts of her father. She is a member of the bomb squad and her code name is bishop.

Nigel: He is captain of the team; he is very smart and capable. He keeps to himself and little is known about him. His code name is castle.

Fernando/Francine: He used to be a mounted policeman in Canada. He has multiple personality disorder. His other personality is a girl named Francine who loves horses and is very concerned about her hair and nails. He always insists on being the knight because it is a horse, therefore, his code name is knight.

Francesco- A serial killer who skins his victims. He is nicknamed “The Potato Skinner.”



The Blond, the Gay, and the Abnormal

The Scene is Central Park on a warm June day. The SWAT team was last left standing over the latest victim of a serial killer nicknamed “The Potato Peeler.” Presently they are seated around a chess table strategizing.

Nigel- Grabs pawn and places it on the middle of the chess table. All right team, this is where the cadaver was found, at 13:00 hours, June 24th, in the year 2005. He was found devoid of his epidermis and laying in the anatomical position.

Fernando- Swings around to face the table, a look of understanding on his face. So that means he was laying in the fetal position without hair, aye?

March-She turns to Fernando and shouts. Why don’t you shut up and get off your high horse?!? You should be listening to the captain!

Candy- Yeah! Turning to Nigel. What the heck did you just say, captain?

Fernando- With a sigh of impatience. I just told you what he…

Nigel- With a roar. Break it up you guys! This is a serious matter! A man is defunct! Slams fist on the table. He was found on his back without skin! Why don’t you show a little respect for the deceased and help me to try and locate the murder!

March- Looking sheepish. Sorry Captain.

Candy- Yeah, sorry.

Fernando- With an “I-told-you-so look.” I told you I was right!

Everyone rolls their eyes. Alejandro enters the scene, late, dressed in a white suit.

Alejandro- Striding over. Sorry I’m late, but I couldn’t find the right shoes to match my suit. Finally, I went shopping and found them. So, what’d I miss?

March-Turning to Alejandro and saying sarcastically. Oh, we just found a guy without his skin. Just your everyday serial killer victim.

Alejandro- With relief. Good, I’m glad I didn’t miss anything important. It was a fashion emergency!

Fernando- You are so gay.

Alejandro-Arching an eyebrow. Am I? Everybody laughs.

Nigel- Hey, let’s focus on the issue at hand, okay? Turning back to the chessboard. We’ve cornered the suspect here, in the heart of the city’s complex sewer system. We will split into teams. Taking the castle and positioning it on the chess set. Fernando, you will be staked out he…

Fernando- Interrupting Nigel. I want to be the knight! I deserve the knight after all my devoted years as a mounted policeman!

Everybody rolls their eyes. Nigel sighs impatiently and switches the pieces.

Fernando- Turning to Fernando. Just because you were a mounted policeman in Canada doesn’t mean you’re one here! Candy starts sobbing. Candy, suck it up! You don’t even know the guy!

Candy- Sniffing. But someone does!

Nigel- Back to the task at hand now. Positioning the King and Queen on the board. Alejandro and Candy, you will pursue the culprit from this entrance. Positioning the castle and the bishop on the board. March and I will enter from the west shore bank, here.

Fernando- Looking confused. What am I supposed to be doing? Why aren’t I going into the sewers with you?

Nigel- With patience. You’re our mole guard. You will cover all available exits on the south side in case the perp. escapes.

Scene changes and opens with Alejandro and Candy sneaking into the sewer system.

Climbing down the ladder, Alejandro freezes with his left hand on the top rung.

Alejandro- Coughs pathetically. I think I have the black lung I can’t go on! I’m going to die.
Candy- With sympathy. You poor thing. But we have to keep going, we took a vow to help others. You are so strong; I know you can make it. You have to, for the baby and me.

Alejandro- Falls off ladder. Bbbaby? What baby?
Candy- It’s our baby, honey. I’m pregnant.
They continue walking down the tunnel toward the perp.

Alejandro- Pregnant? How can you be pregnant?

Candy- Explaining patiently. Well, when two people love each other very much, they…

Alejandro- Annoyed. No that’s not what I mean. Gay people can’t have kids! So you can’t possibly be pregnant!

Candy- Confused. I’m gay? I didn’t know I was
gay. WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME I WAS GAY!?!

Alejandro- You’re not gay, I am.

Scene dramatically changes. March and Nigel are at the west entrance to the sewer. March suddenly has a breakdown and Nigel rushes to help her

Nigel- With concern. March what’s wrong?

March- I got engaged to a great guy last night!

Nigel- Was it Ted from Pathology?

March- Sobbing. Yes, and I wish I knew who my father was so I could tell him!

They continue to walk towards the place that the suspect is located.

Nigel- Acting surprised. You don’t know who your father is?

March- Angry, but still sobbing. Nnoo! The filthy rat ran out on my mother after I was born! He is a low down, good-for- nothing scumbag who doesn’t deserve to breath the same air as me!

Nigel- Turning away. Maybe he was scared of commitment or he didn’t think he was good enough for you.

March- Stops and turns to Nigel. Why are you standing up for him? I thought you were on my side!

Nigel- Let’s just say that I had a similar situation. Fernando comes over the radio.

Fernando- Castle, are you in position? Over.

Nigel- That’s a positive knight. Over.

Fernando- Everybody get ready to move on my command. Over.

Nigel-Knight, that’s a negative. I’m in charge of this operative. I still have to radio the king and queen to confirm that they are in position. Over. Radios Candy and Alejandro. King and queen, are you in position? Over.

Alejandro-Affirmative, sir. Over. Candy sobs in the background.

Nigel-Is everything okay over there? Is the queen ready to commence the operation? Over.

Alejandro- That’s affirmative. Castle, ready to continue on your word. Over.

Nigel- All units commence operation potato peeler. Over

Scene changes to Fernando keeping watch over the south exits. He is bored, so when he sees a horse-drawn carriage, he skips up to it.

Fernando/Francine- OOOhhh! Look at the pretty pony! Can I ride the pretty pony?

Horseman- Looking slightly disturbed and afraid of the man/girl in front of him. No, but you can ride in the carriage. Where do you want to go?

Fernando/Francine-I want to get my hair curled and… He/she looks at his hands…Oh my gosh! Look at my nails! I need a manni. and a pedi., stat!

Horseman-Uh, okay, hop on in. The carriage leaves with Fernando in it, heading towards the nearest beauty parlor.

Scene changes to Candy and Alejandro. They are walking down the sewer pipe; Alejandro coughs pathetically, still claiming he has the black lung.

Candy- Clearing her throat. You’re gay? How can you be gay, I’m pregnant!

Alejandro- In denial. How can you be so sure?

Candy- I had a doctor’s appointment. Yesterday, and, well… Breaking down. I thought you would be so happy, the three of us, together forever!

Alejandro- It’s not my child, I AM GAYYY!!

Candy- Questioning. Since when?

Alejandro-Since I started dating Francesco from records! He’s everything I ever wanted in a man! He’s tall, dark, handsome, brainy, and romantic! When he left a trail of roses from the door to our bed, there were candles everywhere and it was so sweet! I have never felt so whole and so loved!

Candy- Upset. How could you throw away our love so easily!?!

Alejandro- With disdain. It was never love; it was just me, fighting my gay tendencies! I’m sorry, but you were just my plaything. It can’t be my child, I’m gay.

Candy- You need to accept it, it’s yours!

Alejandro- Never!

A dirty diaper flies in his face and he runs, screaming, down the sewer. Candy rushes after him.

Meanwhile, wading through the sewers, March and Nigel have reached their target.
The perp. is sitting, waiting for his inside woman to arrive. Sitting beside him is a large box of smoke bombs. Seeing this, Nigel puts on a gas mask.

March-Turns to Nigel angrily. Why didn’t you bring one for me, you jerk!?!

Nigel-I thought you would be smart enough to bring your own, you are on the bomb squad.

March Oh yeah, I forgot

Nigel- Idiot…

Radio interrupts the scene and Fernando/Francine is on the other end.

Fernando/Francine-Who is this?

Nigel- It’s the castle, what’s your position?

Fernando/Francine - I’m in the beauty parlor, getting my nails done. What are you doing handsome?

Nigel- To March. He switched; he didn’t take his meds!

March-Sh…ucks

Fernando/Francine – Do you want to go out tonight, cutie pie?

Nigel-Fernando, we need you to come back to us now.

Fernando/Francine- This isn’t Fernando, this is Francine. Who’s Fernando, is he cute?

Nigel- Turning to March. He’s gone too far.

Fernando/Francine- Singing You are so beautifull. to meeee, can’t you seeeee…

Bad guy looks up at the screeching of the radio. He dives for protection and throws bomb into the passage.

The scene changes back to Alejandro and Candy. Alejandro is vigorously cleaning his face with a wet wipe; his face is rubbed raw. They are walking towards the location of the perp.

Alejandro- Get it off me! The germs!

Candy- Calm down! You better get used to a little poo, you’ll have to change diapers soon!

Alejandro- I’m not touching one streak of poo that comes out of that baby! It’s not mine!

Candy- Confused. It’s not? Then who’s is it? There has to be a daddy! Unless… I must be like Jesus’ mommy! And you’re my Joseph!

Alejandro- He shushes Candy. We’re there.
Candy pulls out a gas mask and straps it onto her head.
Candy wanders into the room followed by an angry Alejandro. Nigel jumps on March to protect her from the smoke bomb. Candy is wearing a gas mask and Alejandro covers his mouth with his shirt.

Bad guy- What took you so long?

Nigel glances between the two, shocked as he realizes what is going on.

Candy- Gesturing to Alejandro. Well, this buffoon held me up
Bad guy- Have you told him our news?

Nigel- Angry. Your news? The news that you were in cahoots with the murderer?

Bad guy steps into the light. Alejandro gasps in surprise.

Alejandro-Francesco! How could you! We had a night of roses, love and candles! How could you turn your back on that! And how do you know Candy!?!

Francesco- She is the mother of my child, my partner in crime and the love of my life!

Alejandro-Your child? It’s my child!

Candy- Walking towards the Francesco and kissing him. She turns to face Alejandro and says mockingly. Oh, so now that’s its not really yours, you’ll own up to it! Good thing I never really cared about you!

March wakes up, and a concerned Nigel picks her up. Alejandro turns and looks at her, and while they are distracted, Candy and Francesco run off through the sewers.
Scene switches to Fernando/Francine prancing out of the beauty parlor. In the distance, he/she sees a slime-covered man followed by an equally dirty woman. He/she runs to him and grabs his arm.

Fernando/Francine -You need a makeover!

Spotting Fernando, Candy runs to escape what she thinks is a set-up. Fernando/Francine pulls the captured Francesco into the beauty parlor. Meanwhile, the team is exiting the sewers, but Nigel and March stay back.

Nigel-Breathing heavily through his mask he turns to March. I have a confession to make. March…I am your father.

To be continued…

Will Fernando ever return and realize that he has captured the suspect?
Will March ever forgive her father, Nigel, for deserting her family?
Is Alejandro really gay, or was it just a cover-up? And what of his love affair with Candy?