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YOU ARE HERE

I’ve decided this is why I love you. Looking at this picture, I see things about you I never noticed before. The way your face is slightly off balance as if the halves don’t match up. The look of intensity around your forehead. Your dark eyes and the wide easy smile underneath. I miss you lately. We never talk anymore. I try not to think about you. It’s really hard not to in the morning, impossible not to want you in the evening. Sometimes it gets to be too much. I’ve realized you do everything all at once as if you can’t stop, it’s a kind of rush that’s there. Sometimes I feel you with me as if I could pull you out of the silence. Somewhere behind me, it’s as if you placed your hand on my shoulder. I close my eyes and let the feeling that is you wash over me. Afterward it will be worse, dark and silent. But right now, I don’t care. I imagine you as a field I am running through. I lie down in the field; I let myself dissolve in it. When I think of you its in pieces, like translucent images. I dream you are nearby walking the city. We are complete opposites. The fearless and the cowardly, the brilliant and the dull. In the end there is no resolution. You have to resolve yourself to it. There is nothing else, only echoes. The reverberations that last a lifetime. I try to put it together again, then pick apart. I love you because you are smart and funny and unafraid, because you make me unafraid. The way I change when I am around you. I wish I could touch the intensity. I watch the way your body moves, I know it. A bond that erases the fact of singularity. Maybe it’s beyond explanation. I will be who you want me to be, bigger and more than myself. We connect because we have to. I’d like to think that sometimes what is true and genuine in the other person, that mysteriousness makes us both recognizable and intangible. Nothing else matters because being with you matters so much. Maybe that’s love wanting so much to be with someone that you don’t think about anything else. You don’t think. I close my eyes for a second and listen. You understand love, I tell myself trying to justify something. Everything you do is full of meaning. Once again you occupy my thoughts. As always you are here, if not in the cold and dark, then in the warmth and brilliance. And now it’s time to start over because I love you and you are down deep, deep within me.