Space for Me

episode ONE:


“There’s no cohesion to life, there’s no broad ranging connections. I’m dialed in to the world but the world is all messed up. I don’t give a fuck about who’s starving in Africa because that’s the way it is, were not going to seriously try to change that. They starve and we overeat, that’s fucking life and that’s the fucking point.”

“God you always have to be so mellow-dramatic,” says a thorn in my side deeper than the fluid in my spine.
Fiona Marsh alertly scans the horizon of our deli counter. “Idle hands are the devils playthings Mason. So stop standing there watching 60 minutes and take out the trash and then sweep up a little please.”

To myself I say as I gaze at Brad Pitt dancing with some African children. “Just imagine…I, Mason Ally, have some key to life, some gift to be different form the rest…How will I use it? Will I live among the people and make a difference? No, I won’t, I will sit on it and laugh. Only I can’t laugh because I sewed my lips together, and that’s my life, a doll house for a doll.”

“What exactly did you not understand about taking out the trash and sweeping up Mason?” Fiona responds. “Why are you still sitting there?”

“Where should I be sitting?” I say contractually open to compromise.

“You should be taking out the trash,” Fiona says in her I will not say this again cold voice.

Then she walks in, and I really don’t want to take notice of her fine features but I can’t help myself.
Here she is again just like last time, irresistible, engulfing, and visceral. Her legs are left uncovered today. Her hips masked by a sexy little business skirt, grey and splotchy, a slight muscle tone to her calves, a tight athletic shape to her arms. She also sports a black shirt with green tiny flowers on it. Her face is pure looking, angelic, blue eyes, and curly shoulder length blond hair.
“Hi there, may I please have a chocolate milk and a butter croissant?” says woman of my fantasy.
“Ah, yes,” I say frantically. “Coming right up,” I begin sweating and thinking god I’m such a spaz then say to basically the air, “a chocolate milk and a butter croissant.”
Oh my god she is so hot, I could lick her head to foot and more or less fixate on that bushy thing with the second set of lips as the other guys usually refer to it. I wonder what it taste’s like? Better still, I wonder why they lick it. I saw it in this movie my roommate had brought home one day where all the people were naked touching and licking each other. It must have some sort of special gift or something. It was so weird though because that was the first time my human component began to really…work!”
That was quite the odyssey, and since my roommate Calvin didn’t pull out his thingy I just left mine to grow under my pants as well. It really was something of a spectacle really as the people on our television set were completely naked and doing all manner of illicit acts while we, and I assume Calvin’s thingy was doing what mine was as he is of course 100% human where I am merely some sort of hybrid or something, just sat there watching. I wondered and thank god did not say anything, should we be doing something to each other with these things or is it exclusively to be done between a male and female? I didn’t really have any overwhelming inclination to do anything to Calvin, but I did feel inclined to examine my human part. So I got up slowly and shifting my tented pants away form Calvin excused myself and went into my room and closed the door to steal a peak.
“Hello,” the love of my life says taking me down from my isolated brainwaves.
“Oh, right, I’m sorry,” I reply frenetically apologetic. “One chocolate milk and a butter croissant;”
She speaks to my animal nature though she never realizes it, and how I wish that it wasn’t the case, that I wasn’t this fucked up animal, this alien.

Yet it is the truth…

I am Alien to this world Earth, alien to these people, earthlings. My name is Mason Ally. But my real name is not printable in this format so I will just say that if I were to say it to you it would sound like a lark singing. So for your sake and the sake of this story I will from here on in refer to myself as the name I have on Earth, Mason Ally

How am I here? Good question, I woke up I was here.

Back on my home planet I was enjoying the basic luxuries of a perfect harmonious balanced life. Everything on my home planet was provided for us. We weren’t exactly rich as far as this planet’s standards go but we were happy.
You see our governments decided ages ago that a perfectly balanced peaceful life could only be attainable through the removal of any personal choices or decisions. Sort of like your Marxist communist faction is how we live except it works for us in a way your communist countries could never achieve.
Back home I had an arranged wife who I am actually still I think scheduled to marry in roughly three months, a two floor flat, a sequential feeding number, a daily task list, a daily workout regimen with personal trainer, and any number of random satisfaction activities to perform at my insistence, all provided for by a system of computers long ago provided the keys to our planets maintenance and order.
It seems like a perfect living structure but then again we were never given a choice. These computers have been ruling our planet for more than one hundred and seventy two years.
Well, for me all was going as well as no choice in any matter would allow me to feel like it was well until a very strange thing happened to me.
I decided that the daily task sheet dropped into my home through the portal that connects us all with the central computers was to be perfectly honest, a waste of my time. It was I have to admit a very odd thought for me. I asked myself, what the hell am I talking about waste of time? This is what I am supposed to do, then again, what’s really going to happen if I don’t do it?

episode TWO:

“So this is what happens when you don’t do it I guess.”

There was an immediate escort sent to pick me up and twenty five minutes later I woke up and I was on Earth. No trial (though I only heard of such things once I got here), no questions, nothing. Just like that I was there today Earth tomorrow.
It really didnt take long to get aquianted as the computers did provided me with the knowledge that other members of my planet had been formerly banished here to Earth and that one such alien would be there to ease me in. They told me his name would be Elijah. This is how I met him:

“Wake up…”
“Wake up…”
“Wake up…”

I can hear the words like a dream only in my dream it’s for some reason this girl from home that I would see every once in a while during my daily task routine.
Every Tuesday, again something I have come to discover on Earth as we never named our days, or broke any period of days into sections like here, I was required to clean the waste from this large office type building. When I would go in, there would be this girl in this one room who would be standing at the door as if waiting for someones arrival. She would look at me with this very dolled up face and purple eye shadow and occasionally wink her sparkling eyes at me. I could never figure out why she was there or what her task could possibly be, but sometimes she was waiting and sometimes the door was closed and I could hear moaning coming from inside, and what sounded like tussling bedspreads.
In my dream she is lying next to me, which is a totally foreign affair as I have never lay next to anyone in my life including my soon to be wife. And now she is lovingly stroking her soft fingers over my face, another totally incomprehensible happening, and now she’s licking me, licking my face…

“What the hell,” I yell as I fist a small furry animal away from my face.

“Hey watch it buddy, who the fuck do you think you are,” the furry animal yells back at me.

“You talk then?” I ask. He responds by lifting his hind leg and shitting on the concrete sidewalk while looking me straight in the eye.
“Right, you do then…obviously…so what you do you call yourself then?” I ask.

“Elijah motherfucker!” he states confidently from a foot of the ground.

“You know I thought you were this girl from this building I clean, though for the life of me I could not understand why the licking my face, but here it is it all makes sense. You Elijah, are some sort of furry animal creature are here to clean me with your tongue. The computers told me I would be provided for, so then without further adieu I will allow you to continue,” I say then lay back down on the cold concrete. “you may proceed.”

“Who the fuck do you think I am, your fucking wash dog motherfucker, get your stupid ass up and pick up my shit…there’s a bag over there,” Elijah says vigilantly then mutters to himself. “God dam you’d think in a society where people have no choice in anything that some smart motherfucker’s would be the ones to cast of the shackles of oppression and dominance to free themselves of conformity, but no, what do I get, a fucking drone.”

“So,” I ask. “Elijah is it, why exactly are you an animal.”

“Look bitch, don’t start that shit with me ok, I take a lot of shits and a lot of pisses and how I feel about you directly correlates to where the shit and piss lands, so if I was you id cut with the fucking questions, pick up the fucking plastic bag, and throw my shit in the garbage and listen up a little. Ok, you think you can handle that?” he says angrily the mutters under his breath, “fucking god dam revolution huh, this is our fucking Jesus, fucking great, that’s just absolutely perfect, a moron to lead a pack of Taco Bell dogs to the promise land, perfect.”

“Hey,” I ask him. “What was that you said there about a revolution, a promise land?”

“What the fuck did I just say bitch,” he screams in yelps. “No more fucking questions, alright…and call me E.”

“Right, keep quiet or get shit on. I got it now, my lips are sealed…So where we off to then?” I ask and he stares at me coldly so I say, “sorry, last time I swear, closed door, no more talking, follow the leader, speak when spoken to, I got it, I'm good, show me the way master,” and I point my arm out towards him as if to say lets go.

“Ok, so look,” he says before we leave. “This is the Planet Earth. We are aliens here. You are the only one of us who looks like the people here so consider yourself lucky, ok. The rest of us free thinkers are stuck in these tiny little Chia Pet fucking dog bodies which to put it honestly, fucking sucks, ok. So for years we have been waiting for the chosen one to be sent from home to Earth as the computers promised would happen. They told us you would be different, to mark you. They told us you would have the keys to stop the computers, they told us you could free our planet from the slavery state that it is currently in.”

“Hold on a second here E,” I say over confidently with a bit of a rude smirk on my face. “Why would the computers give me the keys to shut them down, wouldn’t that mean suicide.”

“Again with the fucking questions, eh,” he says arrogantly. “Look I’ll allow that one because honestly it’s the first good question you asked. So here it is. The fucking programmers, like the original programmers you know, like back a hundred and eighty years ago or whatever, they had some doubts about the whole system. Apparently not everyone on the planet was for the computers taking over. So they took a planetary referendum. They called it “the Way,” and advertised it as a way out of unhappiness and insurance that we would be peaceful and happy forever. Well it came out 95 percent for to 5 percent against. However the five percent against consisted of some of the planets best scientists and philosophers, so to appease these men they allowed them not only the luxury of continuing to live above the computers control but also instituted an automatic failsafe into the computer.”

“A fail safe,” I say questioningly.

“Fuck, cant you shut the fuck up for two seconds,” E screams at me then lifts his hind leg and pisses. “Yes a fail safe. They built into the computer program a fail safe device which would automatically take any one person from our planet that had in any way rejected the “Way” and cast them off to this distant planet Earth. Also each castoff would automatically be provided with connections to the next castoff when and if that happened and also with a small piece of the puzzle to undo the complex computer program and free our self enslaved people. So long story short you are the final piece of that puzzle, you are supposedly the key, though I don’t see how the fuck you are going to help us, you’re a putz.”

“Well thank you E,” I say forcefully. “To be perfectly honest with you, I didn’t ask for this position and I could really do without your attitude and pomposity.”

After that I stormed off thinking to myself how I didn’t need him, or any stupid revolution, I’m capable of handling myself on this Earth and to hell with our planet, let them live with the mess they made. Plus it wasn’t even that bad there, everyone seemed fairly happy, pretty much settled. Then I thought about my wife to be, there all alone, wondering why her promised husband wasn’t going to be there. And I began to feel sorry for her, she had nothing to do with this, why should she have to suffer the pain of having no husband to service her needs, and help her with the children, one boy and one girl of course, she would be an outcast now, people would look at her funny and snicker, there’s the girl who lost her husband. Then again would they provide a new husband for her? Would the computers simply bump the next man up or something? And still would she even care if it wasn’t me? She never did really act like she liked me or anything; it always seemed pretty much more like obedience than choice. I didn’t really find myself caring about much more than the possibility that she would be hurt, I wasn’t dying to see her or anything and I just couldn’t imagine her suffering because of me.

Just at that minute a blaring ruckus began emanating from my shirt pocket.

I reached my hand into my pocket and pulled out the electronically pulsing culprit. It had the word Motorola printed in black cased letters on the front. I studied the sleek palm size contraption with confusion and wonder. What the hell could this thing be? It felt metallic and cool, but that sound, its like some sort of alert or something.

“Open it dim-wit,” says a squawky yelping voice from behind me.

I turn and look at air and then down at Elijah propped up on his hind quarters and folding his arms in a totally un-dog like way. “You look cute dog but why the hell are you following me? I thought I was a putz?”

“Call me dog again motherfucker, I dare ya, I double dare you,” E yelps at me clearly annoyed at me referring to him as dog. “Look, regardless of what I think of you, I, we, need you asshole.”

“Right,” I say calmly. “Well I don’t need you and I don’t like your tone or attitude so if you good please just go that way. Sorry, I hate to be so vain but please just excuse me, and I will be off.”

“Alright, let me put this to you as plain as possible,” he says while sniffing a young woman’s leg as she walks by. “This is not (Lark Song), this is Earth. In fact to be specific this is Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada. People are not going to provide for you here, no one is going to wipe your shitty ass; no one’s going to feed your suckling tit, your alone here. You need me, and a hell of a lot more than you think, a hell of a lot more than we need you, bitch.”

“Well no thank you,” I say politely. “I think ill be fine, and if you would adieu…”

“So what’s that in your hand then asshole,” E says snappily. “Give me your explanation for that. Explain how your going to eat tonight, you do realize that body you have requires things like food and water right?”

“This,” I say. “Well yes, I was just considering this thing before you ever so boorishly interrupted. Right, um, well, yes, um, I would speculate that this is some sort of alarm to signify meal times and other events of that sort. I’m sure that the computers didn’t want to see me suffer down here and so they sent this thing with me so that I wouldn’t forget important events and things of that nature.”

“Just open it, okay smartass,” he yelps. “It’s a fucking cell phone.”

“Right…I knew that,” I say trying to not act surprised and still confused as to what a cell phone is. “Of course it’s a cell phone.”

“You talk through it jackass,” he barks. “It’s a technology used on this planet to communicate with other earthlings not in your immediate speaking vicinity.”

“Right then, so I’m to speak to it then?” I ask.

“Did I stutter?” he squawks.

“Um no, I understood your words quite clearly, I would even say that was perfect dialect,” I reply, again confused.

“Never mind, its from the Breakfast Club,” E mumbles.

“Right, is that where we eat then?” I ask him sure that it is.

“No, its not where we fucking eat,” he barks desperately. “Christ, you just don’t stop do you? The Breakfast Club is not a fucking restaurant it’s a fucking movie, a film, something you watch for enjoyment. It's a movie, a modern classic really, a tale of teenage angst from all sides of the coin. Its has great performances from Ally Sheedy, cast as the lying ugly weird misunderstood girl who is actually beautiful and shy underneath, Emilio Estevez as the jock with the conscience and an overbearing father, Jud Nelson as the pot smoking delinquent sweetheart, Michael Anthony Hall as the suicidal nerdy virgin kid, and Molly Ringwald as the prom queen dealing with fighting parents who use her as a pawn and the pressures of being popular, all wonderfully directed and written by John Hughes.”

“Right then, so it's a flick?” I say.

“Yes, a flick,” dog replies.

“So then shall I answer?” I ask assuming snoopy will know who its going to be.

“What do I look, like your fucking mother,” he yelps. “Your fucking boyfriend, what do you want me to do next, suck your cock?”

“Um, no…um,” I say hesitantly confused. “I don’t think so. So I just speak then right, ok…Mason Ally speaking…Cheerio…Hello…”

“Open the fucking thing, bitch,” he barks from below as he waddles off to urinate under a tree.

“Right,” I say as I carefully pull open the cell phone and speak into it…Mason Ally speaking.”

“Mason,” I hear a soft woman’s voice say.

“Yes, um, yes Mason Ally,” I say, “resident alien to the planet Earth.”

“Huh,” I hear her voice say. “Is this Mason Ally, of Niagara Falls?”

“Yes, this is he,” I say confidently.

“Hello Mason,” the heavenly voice says. “My name is Carson Bailey; I’m the Human Resource Manager here at Dieppe Group.”

“Well, hello then Carson,” I say pleasantly, “pleased to make your acquaintance. And to what do I owe this honor, have the computers sent news for me then?”

“Computers?” she says a little baffled. “No, this is in regards to your application…for customer service representative.”

“Right,” I say, “um, my application, would you hold for a moment please, terribly sorry, just have to sort out a minor inconvenience here, and I sincerely apologize.”

“Sure,” she says politely disturbed, “I’ll hold.”

“Great,’ I say quickly trying to draw snoopy to me with my eyes. “Fine then, wont be more than a moment.” I look down at Elijah and ask him, “E do you know anything about Carson Bailey and Dieppe Group, she says I have put in an application.”

“Yeah jackass,” he says back. “That’s were your going to work, to make money, to eat, to live. Just ask her what its about. She’ll probably want to schedule and interview, so get the time from her and be done with it. Keep it quick, alright bitch. Don’t dawdle, just ask the time, say thank you and hang up. No fucking around, alright. By the way she can hear everything you’re saying right now.”

“Right,” I say, “right, hello Ms. Bailey.”

“Yes,” she says as if flabbergasted.

“Thank you kindly for holding Ms. Bailey, so what was this all about now?”

“Excuse me Mr. Ally,” she says. “But were you just talking to a dog?”

“Well yes, actually Ms. Bailey I was,” I say and Elijah bites into my ankle causing me to wail into the receiver. “ARGH…Why, may I ask, did you do that E? I’m so sorry Ms. Bailey. Apparently my dog has decided to dine on my ankle.”

“Are you alright Mr. Ally?” she asks me very concerned.

“O yes, jeers, thank you kindly, very much alright,” I say hurriedly while eying Elijah trying to understand his actions. Obviously something he didn’t like about me saying that I was talking to him…Perhaps he has some sort of criminal record or something? Wait a minute here, what the hell is a criminal record?

“Hello, Mr. Ally,” says the soft voice of Ms. Bailey. “Are you still there?”

“Yes, thank you Ms. Bailey,” I say returning to top form. “You have received my application then, correct?”

“Um, yes Mr. Ally,” she says still a bit perplexed. “Yes, we would like you to come in for an interview. We will be holding interviews tomorrow at nine. Is that acceptable for you?”

“Yes, nine would be most excellent,’ I say boldly. “Nine it is then. Shall I ring you or will you be ringing me?” Elijah looks up at me and shakes his doggy head back and forth.

“The interviews will be held at the office of course Mr. Ally,” Ms. Bailey says becoming annoyed. “Just be here a bit before nine and see the receptionist. Now, do you know where were at?”

“Um, yes, Ms. Bailey,” I say trying to sound like I do. “Thank you again for this opportunity, I will do my best to support the team because that’s what I am Ms. Bailey, a team player. After all there is no I in team now is there and all that. Takes two to tango, and Rome wasn’t built in a day Ms. Bailey.” Elijah shakes his head again before strutting off to sniff a woman’s feet.

“Sure, Mr. Ally,” she says. “See you tomorrow then, nice to meet you.”

“Pleasure was all mine Ms. Bailey,” I say graciously. “So tomorrow then, have a wonderful evening Ms. Bailey.” I close the phone and look down at snoopy lying on the sidewalk on his back with his arms and legs stretched out.

“What are you doing E,” I say courteously.

“Fuck off bitch,” he yelps back. “I’m getting some good looks here.”

I notice that what he seems to be doing is peering under women’s skirts as they stroll by unknowingly, most of them hearts softened by the appearance of the laid out mutt.

“Your shameless dog,” I say.

“What the fuck did I say about calling me dog motherfucker,” he barks. “This is what I get for trying to empower our people, a fucking tiny dog’s body and a Christian asshole for a key man, perfect.”

“Well,” I say. “Aren’t you just the sacrificial lamb? Poor Elijah, maybe we should have called you Job.” As I end my demeaning speech I feel my left leg dampen and look down to find Elijah’s little leg bent up and his tiny canine penis spraying me with urine. “You fancy fussy shit; you’ve gone and peed on my trousers. Brilliant…”

“Hey,” he snarls. You can’t say I didn’t warn you…Jackass.”

“Right then,” I reply. “Do we have a house and a shower so that I may remove myself from your waste, or do we just live in the gutters or something?”

“No, we got a place,” he barks. “But I don’t think your going to like it.”
“And why not?” I ask.

“Just trust me,” he barks mockingly, like he knows something I don’t. Then rolls over and perks up on his four legs and strolls off down the sidewalk bouncing his ass back and forth as he goes, like some sort of regal dog majesty. “Come on,” he yells back. “Let’s go.”

Why am I finding random information about this planet suddenly contained in my memories? Like why do I know how strawberry cheesecake tastes excellent and how Kelly Clarkson has just reached number one on the Billboard charts for the fourth time with her latest release form her Breakaway album? And where are we headed? And why am I not going to like it? And what are the Lakers, and why did they trade Shaq?

episode THREE:

E was right, I hated it.

It wasn’t so much the smell, which was in many ways a chilling reminder of the most horrible possible stenches imaginable…death, hundred year old cheeses, overflowed septic tanks, vomit, and cowardice to name a few, but the looks on the fifty or so tiny dogs. All of them sitting up on their hind legs, arms folded, stone pissed that I not them was the one with the body that can change light bulbs, which by the way was my first act as planetary saviour.
Apparently the puppies had been living in the dark for roughly twenty five years, which in normal Earth dog’s eyes would have been decent, but for some reason the computers failed to clone that seeing aspect of an Earth dog’s persona leaving my fellow alien dogs not seeing very much after dark, and therefore increasingly bitter about their choices and current predicament. And here I was with a giant red white and blue target on my chest. C’est la vie, because I won right?
As I stood on top of stool made of creaking dirty oak with a light bulb in one hand and a half a potato in the other, I grabbed a second to reflect on where I was. And where exactly was that?
Earth…a planet with one sun, in a solar system with nine planets, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Earth, Saturn, Jupiter, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto, respectively, and a galaxy called the Milky way, which is also the name of a former chocolate bar, as is Mars. I wonder if that means something, probably not. Supposedly I am some sort of saviour of my home planets brain chained race sent here to lead an army of tiny one foot dogs against a ruthless computer system which apparently is helping us destroy it. Sounds fairly simple then, I guess I can just lean back and let these puppies lead the way then…
Suddenly focused again on the realistic things occurring around me I hold the be-headed potato up to the piece of old light bulb casing stuck in the fixture in the center of the large open room. One quick jab up and then I start turning to the left (righty tighty lefty loosey) and finally the broken casing is removed. As I twist the new bulb into place clearly not thinking that the light would already be turned on I am suddenly staggered blind by luminescence and fall to a thudded crash on the floor three feet below where I had been standing.

“What the fuck did you just do, you fucking son of a bitch?” yelps an unnamed dog. “Get up, hurry. Get the fuck up.”

“Seriously,” I say. “Would it really be too much trouble for any of you to perhaps give me a chance for once, honestly I am j…u…s…” As I say all this an increasing amount of my brain gets the feeling that the large grouping of mini dogs now surrounding me are not listening to me. As I turn around to see why they are gathering I am in mid sentence, “honestly I am j…u…s…just…s…o…si…c…k….of……….fuck.”
Lying there limp, eyes popped out to the tip of the sockets, bloodshot, and abnormally large, is a little white fluffy, flattened, adorable, dead, puppy.

“You god dam son of a bitch,” the former accuser dog screams. “I’ll fucking have your fucking head.” With that he lunges, doggy arms wide, jaw open, straight at my face, my neck, my chest, my belly, and finally reaches his target destination, my groin.
At first I am utterly alarmed and fearful that this pissed crazy mutt is going to rip off my hanging arm and stretchy sack, but as he digs his teeth in I’m hit with an even more alarming sentiment…
This doesn’t hurt at all, in fact if I didn’t have this wide screen visual beneath me I wouldn’t even know this mutt was attached to me like a baby gnawing on its mother’s tit. So I decide to let him know, “hey doggy, it doesn’t hurt, I can’t feel a thing, oh are you biting me, I thought I might have had a fly on me or something.” Still he doesn’t budge. Apparently he has it in his mind that one of us is coming away from this without all our bits and pieces.
“Seriously,” I say as I stand increasingly sickly over having now murdered one of my own kind or sort of one of my own kind. I guess at one point she was definitely one of my kind at least. Looking out at the roughly fifty or so mini dogs huddling around the corpse in a whimpering circle I say bewildered, “why didn’t I just do what the computers told me?”
I lean down next to the fallen white haired mutt. I look at her bugged out little eyes, and her flat soft hair. From my knees I stare up at the rest of the dogs staring down at me, the ceiling at the height of my gaze shines with crazy markings and half masked paintings.
So this is loss, this is feeling guilty, what a miserable thing, this pain? On our planet there is no loss, no pain, everyone is just there and happy and the next day not there at all. The computers must send a list or something so that the people who are growing nearer to death can be stricken form the rest of the population before they actually croak. Because I cant remember a single person being sick or dying back home. I see now the good reason behind it. I feel horrible. I feel like there is a rock in my belly.
I turn a bit to check the light coming from the north side of the room behind me. There are large windows with stained glass, and a giant wooden cross hangs down with a wooden man nailed to it. A church, I realize. This is an old church. Suddenly I feel a pulse reverberate within me. Quickly I turn around and bring my hand down on the puppy. Her small body is cool to the touch and I can feel the lifelessness in my hands. As I do so the dog on my nuts releases and watches on with awe. The entire population of mini dogs is now watching me with the dead dog in my hands….Waiting for something…