  Spiritual
This week: Less Is More Edited by: Shannon  
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Welcome to the Spiritual Newsletter. My name is Shannon and I'm your editor this week. |
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This Valentine's Day, those who have lost loved ones weigh heavy on my mind.
Two summers ago my husband and I went camping with one of my coworkers, her husband, and their 36-year-old son. She and I have worked together for seven years and know each other's families, but this was the first time our families made plans together outside of work. The five of us spent the weekend talking, laughing, fishing, eating, singing, and having a wonderful time.
Weeks later my husband and I were enjoying a rare day off together at home. My phone chimed; a text message. As I read, I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me. I couldn't breathe. The text was from my supervisor informing me that my co-worker's son had just been killed in an automobile accident. Her husband gave her the news in person, at work, and took her home.
I couldn't wrap my head around it. We just saw him! I thought. We just went camping together. There's a mistake. This can't be right. My mind couldn't reconcile the young man I knew, the young man who was in the prime of his life, with this person who was no longer living. I was suddenly very thankful I wasn't working that day. I know it sounds selfish, but I wouldn't have wanted to see her husband deliver that news, nor her reaction to it.
As a mother myself, I know there's nothing anyone could say to ease my suffering in such a situation. I knew she'd take FMLA, and I wondered what I'd say to her when she came back to work.
"Transcend your desire to make it better. The spiritual paradox of creating a space for grief is to utterly transcend your own desire to make it better, 'fix' anything or change the way the grieving person is feeling. Grief is a normal, healthy response to loss. Just as life and death are two sides of the same coin, so are love and grief. Let it be. There is magic in your presence, accompaniment, acceptance, and bearing witness to another’s grief. Breathe it through." 1
When she returned to work, I approached and hugged her. I listened as she talked about it. I cried with her. I asked her if there was anything she needed, anything I could do. The subject still comes up occasionally, and she still gets teary-eyed. We talk about him. Sometimes she says, "Stephen would have loved that."
People who have lost loved ones often mention how quickly they tire of comments like "At least he's not suffering anymore" and "She's in a better place." They want to scream "Shut up!" or punch someone in the throat, but they know the comments aren't meant to be hurtful; the commenters are simply uncomfortable and don't know what to say. None of us do, and we're all afraid of saying the wrong thing. According to Grief.com , the page titled "The 10 Best and 10 Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief" is the most visited page on the site.
In situations such as this, less is more. It's not about talking, it's about listening--being there. Hold her hand. Ask if there's anything she needs, anything you can do. Ask if it's okay to bring food to the house or have some delivered. Maybe go grocery shopping for her or chop some wood for her wood-burning stove. Perhaps she would appreciate someone tidying up or doing laundry. Whatever you do, run it by her first. Don't just show up unannounced. If you focus on them and how they feel as opposed to yourself and how you feel, everything will be alright.
"If you’re struggling, you deserve to make self-care a priority. Whether that means lying in bed all day, eating comfort food, putting off homework, crying, sleeping, rescheduling plans, finding an escape through a good book, watching your favorite TV show, or doing nothing at all — give yourself permission to put your healing first. Quiet the voice telling you to do more and be more, and today, whatever you do, let it be enough. Feel your feelings, breathe, and be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge that you’re doing the best you can to cope and survive. And trust that during this time of struggle, it’s enough." ~ Daniell Koepke
This Valentine's Day, remember that holidays such as this are very painful for those who have lost a loved one. Don't avoid them because you don't know what to say. Don't ignore them to maintain your own comfort. Ask about their favorite memories and listen to their stories. Celebrate love, because love doesn't end when a heart stops beating.
Thank you for reading.
Notes:
1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lead-kindness/201801/navigating-grief-and-c... |
I hope you enjoy this week's featured selections. I occasionally feature static items by members who are no longer with us; some have passed away while others simply aren't active members. Their absence doesn't render their work any less relevant, and if it fits the week's topic I will include it.
Thank you, and have a great week!
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I like to write about controversial topics--things to get people thinking and talking. I had a feeling last month's editorial would be such a piece. The following is in response to "Why Won't You Forgive Me?" Thanks to all who took the time to read and respond. 
glendasmith1 writes: I'm all for "forgiveness". But there is nothing wrong in "protecting" yourself from the person that hurt you. You can forgive "from AFAR".
Elfin Dragon-finally published  writes: True forgiveness is a rare thing in our society. Holding grudges, hate, fear, loathing against others is often the norm and difficult to get rid of. Perhaps because we see so much of it in ourselves. But I feel we just have to let it all go. If we don't we can never forgive anyone...not ourselves or others.
BIG BAD WOLF is Howling  writes: Sort of reminds me of an episode of The Rifleman where Lucas encounters his father-in-law for the first time since his wife's death, and it's clear that Lucas hates the man, due to his role in how Lucas's wife died, and has never forgiven him for it, despite the father-in-law asking for forgiveness. At the end of the episode, after saving the man's life, Lucas looks at his father-in-law and goes, "I haven't forgiven you, but I don't hate you anymore." The father-in-law nods and says, "It's a start."
Quick-Quill  writes: When I was young I had issues with this. I harbored grudges and I dreamed about the retribution almost every night. Dreams were detailed in how I would get back at them for their wrong doing. Then one day God cornered me and told me something that made me take a hard look at myself. I had to change, but how? I first started with getting my heart right. Then came the long process of forgiveness. I found the secret and it works every time. I picture the person coming to me in heartfelt sorrow asking for my forgiveness, That was hard because these people don't have that bone in their body. One day the scene unfolded before me in my prayer time. I felt their sorrow and my total forgiveness as Christ forgave me. The burden of hurt and hate disappeared. I felt it lift and I saw proof of that a few weeks later. Ive had to do it a number of times since with others. but the key to forgiveness is forgiving them as if they never actually asked for it. If it ever happened you can honestly say, "I'd already forgiven you." I'm teary eyed right now when I think of how I felt when I did this. Even seeing this same people I didn't have the hateful feeling. if there was a prick of the wrong done. I squashed it with, I've forgiven them Satan back off."
werden writes: An interesting take on forgiveness. However, withholding forgiveness can be and often is just as much a torment, perhaps even moreso, on the wronged one than the wronger. I've heard it said that withholding forgiveness is akin to drinking poison and wishing the other person would die.
That being said, it is one thing to offer forgiveness and quite another thing to accept the behavior. In your example above coworker #1 could have offered forgiveness to coworker 2 but also said, maybe if only to herself, I can forgive you but since I know you would only do it again... I can effectively end any relationship outside of a strictly professional one. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean that everything, necessarily, will end up the way it was before they hurt you. Forgiveness is not permission. Another example, in the relationship you described, you could have forgiven your boyfriend and STILL ended the relationship.
I don't know if you ever watched any Star Wars movie but I remember an interesting scene involving Darth Vader and one of his subordinates in The Empire Strikes Back. The Captain just lost the Millenium Falcon due to his clumsiness. He went to Darth Vader to apologize. The next scene shows the Captain clutching his throat and collapsing backward... dead... due to a Force Choke administered by Darth Vader who stood over the dead body and said "You are forgiven, Captain Needa" Granted that scene was more than a little dark... but still... the subordinate was forgiven yet was still disciplined for his crime.
Anyway... I digress... but still... Forgiveness does not mean acceptance of the behavior forgiven... you can forgive and still take steps to make sure the wronger doesn't hurt you again.
Thanks for sharing |
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Spiritual: February 14, 2018 Issue [#8752]
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