  Comedy
This week: Cats and Dogs Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
-Jeff Valdez
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings
Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!
-Dr. Peter Venkman, Ghostbuster |
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One time after a breakup, I wanted to figure out a way to attract women that didn't involve silly things like exercise, ambition, shaving, or changing my personality. Briefly, I considered borrowing a friend's dog, which was a Samoyed mix that looked kinda like the dragon from The Never-Ending Story, only cuter. Boy, do YOU have a dirty mind... no, the purpose of the dog would have been to walk it in a busy area and then have my pick of the ladies that stopped to tell him what a cute little puppy he was.
Then I realized the problem with that plan: I'd be meeting women who liked dogs. And I'm a cat person.
Don't get me wrong - I like dogs. Well, most dogs. I think pugs are uglier than a New Jersey waste dump, though they're friendly enough. And toy breeds that yip a lot tend to make me want to make something explode. But, y'know, dogs can be pretty cool. And some of my best friends are dog people (as evidenced by the fact that I wanted to borrow the Samoyed mix from one).
Incidentally, while he appears cute as hell, I think that dog has what biologists call "protective coloration." He likes to have what my friend euphemistically calls "accidents" (he does it totally on purpose) in the house, and after you give him a bath (which you have to do because, being a Samoyed mix, he's whiter than Barry Manilow), he immediately goes outside and rolls around in whatever poo or dead thing he can find. One time another friend lent me a book on how to make your dog not poop in the house. The dog's human left the book on the floor, where it was promptly shat upon. Still... cute dog.
Still, I'm a cat person. I prefer pets that don't fawn over you like you're the next incarnation of Osiris, and that I don't have to make an effort to walk twice a day. Other people prefer dogs, and that's okay too.
What's not okay is when people get into serious arguments over which one's "better." That's kind of like arguing over whether SUVs or pickup trucks are better, when one person needs to haul stuff and the other needs to haul screaming kids. (But for the record, pickup trucks are totally better.)
Now, being a comedian of sorts, I get into mock arguments about such things all the time. "I like dogs because they're smarter," someone might say. "Oh? If I could train you to do tricks on command, would that be a sign of your intelligence?" Sure, border collies can herd sheep while solving partial differential equations and avoiding Nigerian Prince scams, but cats are smart enough not to tangle with the wooly monsters in the first place. Then they respond with two words: "Laser pointer." That's right - we've advanced enough as a species to not only make frickin' LASER BEAMS but make 'em fit in a thing the size of an inkpen, and cats fall for the bouncing red dot every time.
Some people avoid the "intelligence" argument altogether and go with the emotional one, which is harder to deal with because how do you refute an emotional argument? But there's a joke going around along these lines, too: If you want to know who loves you more, your spouse or your dog, lock each one in your car's trunk for an hour - and then see which one's happier to see you when you open the trunk.
(Note: while I don't usually don't issue disclaimers, I would urge you to keep that last bit entirely as a thought experiment; don't lock animals, including spouses, in the trunk. Damn, but it's sad that I felt like I had to say that lest someone actually try it, but even comedy writers can get sued.)
Anyway, point is, people have different emotional needs, and that's why there are different pets (and so many breakups). Some people like having dogs nudge them with their cold slimy noses; I don't understand it, but I also don't understand liking eggplant, but hey, different strokes, right?
In the end, enjoy your time with your chosen pet, be it cat, dog, or velociraptor - it ends all too quickly, but if you're lucky, you'll remember all the funny things they've done. Especially if you've posted videos of them on YouTube.
This newsletter is dedicated to Kali kitty
Who never did manage to catch that bright red dot
1998-2013 |
So I searched for "Pets" and "Comedy" genre items...
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Last time, in "Comedy Newsletter (July 3, 2013)" , I ranted about bugs.
Mummsy  : Damn it! Now I'm all itchy . . . 
You... know that I make these public, don't you? 
Green Lee  : why don't you just get one of those sprays that you spray around your house to keep the bugs away? I don't think spiders are a good idea there creepy.
Keep in mind that the biggest part of my comedy is hyperbole
Elle - on hiatus  : Since you asked, we're pretty good for bugs. We have just enough cicadas to provide a gentle hum but not so much you'd see more than one at a time.  We never get swarms of them. Ants can be a problem, but they're the little black harmless ones, not biting ones (not that I like them, I detest the little blighters). We have a few spiders, but none poisonous. Yep, I think it's decided, you should definitely move to New Zealand. 
Sold! Now get me an entrance visa...
Marci Missing Everyone : Oh yes!!! Bugs are the bane of my existence!
I think I read somewhere once, and I'm too lazy to confirm this, that the biomass of ants alone exceeds that of all of humanity. So if they wanted to, they could totally crush us.
panzersherman: Spiders could be considered nomadic predators (the Wolf Spider, Tarantula, and Brown Recluse, for example), as they move with the insect population, but that is rarely the case, as more insects will continue to move into the area, meaning generations of arachnids will inhabit the same small area. Even though they're not initially aggressive, it's better to either crush them on sight, or just not pester them.
I leave them alone, they leave me alone. Usually.
BIG BAD WOLF is Howling  : Could be worse; least it ain't bug monsters, or monster bugs. [Submitted Item: "Monsters Versus Aliens Sequel" [13+]]
By definition, they *are* monsters.
A*Monaing*Faith  : Feel you on the bug hate for sure! Absolute worst part of good weather. Did a mud run a bit ago and had a ton of fun but paid for it with 18 some odd bites. Never leaving the house w/o my Deep Woods OFF! now.
Easier for me to simply not leave the house. The problem with nature is that something's always trying to burn you, crawl on you, spit ooze at you, or otherwise ruin your day.
Prosperous Snow celebrating  : Then there are the bugs that carry diseases, such as skeeters. In Las Vegas, skeeters have been found carrying the West Nile Virus. So far only two people have been put in the hospital by this disease, but it is only the beginning of the season.
Gee, thanks. I *was* planning a week in Vegas.
Mark Allen Mc Lemore : Stinkbugs have haunted me my whole life, I think they move with me when I move. They call em Box Elder Bugs, but I think they are more box, like inside my house, bugs because I have never seen a Box Elder. Is it a tree? A plant? An old musty box that is the tribunal leader of a clan of boxes?
Anybug, great newsletter, makes me want to write about, uh... birds.
Birds eat bugs, right? Good topic, then.
And that's all for this month. See you in August! Until then,
LAUGH ON!!! |
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Comedy: July 31, 2013 Issue [#5810]
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