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This week: Trust No One Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
-Mark Twain
April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.
-Ambrose Bierce
If every fool wore a crown, we should all be kings.
-Welsh Proverb |
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It's Over
It's over... for another year.
I've grown to dread April Fools' Day. Like most people, I have friends who can be bastards. Unlike most people, I've developed a reputation as a jokester, one who makes fun of anything in the right circumstance. Nothing is sacred.
Which, unfortunately, means that people think I'm fair game.
What I want to do every April 1 is hide in my room and not come out. What would happen if I did that, though, is my friends would come over and stealthily glue all my non-bedroom furniture to the ceiling. So for reasons of self-preservation, if nothing else, I have to at least venture out of the room.
Very carefully.
Before I even get out of bed, first I make sure someone hasn't snuck in and laid trip wires, or put water next to the bed for my feet to find (if they'd tried to pull the warm water trick, I'd already know.) Then I look around to make sure someone hasn't come in and stolen all my clothing. That would be difficult, because I'm a hoarder and rarely throw anything away, even if it's somehow shrunk over the years (though I have been civilized enough to both trash underwear with holes in them, and even to buy replacements, sometimes.) Difficult, that is, but not impossible - I sleep like a brick.
Once that's done, I choose what I'm going to wear for the day, first ensuring no one's laced the clothing with itching powder or Nair. I take these garments and slowly, cautiously, head for the shower.
Before I get my shower, though, more checks are necessary. The bedroom door: Is there a bucket of water balanced precariously on top of the door? No? Okay, has someone tied it to the door across the hall? No? Okay, good. At this point, my cat usually comes up and meows, and I have to check her for traps like a thief exploring a D&D dungeon.
Bathroom: Another door check, then I slowly step into the bathroom, looking around for anything that might be out of place. Is my toothbrush where I left it? Because if not, someone's surely sprinkled salt or foaming powder upon it. Are all the spiders in their proper places, or has someone removed one to try to scare me later? Of course, during all this, I'm alert for fake vomit, rubber snakes, plastic bugs, etc. - amateur stuff, really, but you never know what someone will try to pull.
I run the sink faucet and step back. If water comes out like it's supposed to, I brush my teeth, again looking around for inconsistencies like the bathroom being too clean. I check the mirror for hidden cameras. Then I perform a thorough check of the toilet: seat, bowl, reservoir. The old "ammonia in the tank" trick never gets old, after all.
The shower's next. Some people think it's great fun to hide Kool-Aid powder in the shower head, so I unscrew the thing to make sure it's safe. Then, once it's back on, I keep the shower curtain between me and the spray while adjusting the temperature - you never know when someone's messed with your water heater.
The shower's fast, because the running water keeps me from hearing people sneaking around. My clothing and a thoroughly checked towel stays folded in a place where I can keep an eye on it, lest someone pull the old "steal his clothes and towels from the bathroom while he's taking a shower" trick.
Once dry and dressed, I always do a complete walk-through of the house. All the doors and windows locked? Anyone hiding in the closet? I have a few friends whom I suspect of being in the closet, but I don't want that to be literal on April Fools' Day.
Then, usually, I venture onto the internet, again first doing a thorough check of modem, network hub, and computer. It wouldn't do to believe a single thing on the internet on April Fools' Day (or, well, at any other time, but especially on April 1), but some of the websites' tricks are funny. Google is a perennial source of hilarity, for instance (though the one year when they said they were sending a colony to Mars, I kept hoping that was true.) Writing.com itself participates, and it's even funnier to see the reactions of people who aren't aware it's April Fools' Day. This year, a lot of my favorite sites jumped on the bandwagon - though I think The Onion again missed an opportunity to print serious news stories on April Fools' Day, given that they print parodies the rest of the year. It would be a nice turnabout.
I should note, here, that when looking at websites around April 1, it would behoove you to remember the concept of time zones. Even if it's March 31, it could be April 1 somewhere. And even if it's April 2 where you are, it's probably the 1st somewhere else. So beware.
This time, though, due to an unfortunate confluence of circumstance, I had to venture... outside.
This is difficult enough for me on normal days, but on April Fools' Day, it becomes a minefield of horror. Sometimes, literally. I'd agreed to take a friend of mine to the airport, a task originally scheduled for March 31, but she'd changed her flight, forcing me to drive to Richmond (about an hour and a quarter each way) to drop off her and her kid - after, of course, searching my car inside and out for pranks, especially the tailpipe. I once got my dad in a big way with a tailpipe whistle that made him think his tractor was about to blow up, and I refuse to fall victim to my own practical joke.
Now, this person has been a friend of mine for a long time, so of course I didn't trust her one little bit, and her kid even less. I won't detail the steps I went through to protect myself from flying pranks while entering their apartment to help with the bags; suffice it to say I was thorough. And then when she asked me why I was so jumpy, I said, "It's April Fools' Day, and I don't trust either of you."
"Oh, yeah, I forgot about that!" she said.
"I don't believe you," I said, making sure the 9-year-old girl stayed within my field of vision.
While they weren't looking, I tied a noose around the neck of a doll the kid had and started to hang it from a makeshift gallows, but they caught me, thus thwarting my one and only attempt at trying a prank of my own. I guess my paranoia was contagious.
With them safely on the way to the friendly (if prank-prone) skies, I drove back and, against my better judgement, went to my favorite beer place for brunch. I mean, it's a real dilemma for me: I don't want to be in public on Trust No One Day, but on the other hand, beer. I sat with my back to the corner, with a direct line of sight to the food preparation area.
Finally, though it required another thorough check of the premises, I was able to retreat back to my Fortress of Turpitude. I checked the dictionary once more to ensure "gullible" was still in there. And the rest of the day passed - relatively, anyway - uneventfully.
To celebrate the end of another April Fools' Day, I went to the refrigerator for a bottle of beer. Ah, beer: the one true and constant thing in my life, I thought as I slipped the cold brown bottle into my willing hand. The only friend I have that would never, ever play a prank on me. I can always count on beer. I opened the bottle, and beer sprayed all over me and the kitchen.
Someone had shaken up my beer.
Someone had shaken up my beer.
I hate April Fools' Day.
Next year, it's on a Monday. Maybe I can arrange to be in Antarctica that day... but I'd be sure to keep a close watch on the penguins. |
Pranks and other funnies.
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Last time, in "Comedy Newsletter (March 7, 2012)" , I talked about financial matters.
writetight: Robert: Your newsletter about Income tax prompted me to divulge my recent experience with Turbo Tax. I went on-line and filled in all of the information required. When finished, I clicked the "file" button. A message appeared on my screen. It read: "Your filing is obviously a prank . . . no one could live on this income." Should I try again?
Yeah. I get that too.
Mummsy  : The booze made you have philosophical conversations with three My Little Ponies? Which ones, because oddly enough Dhoc-li Llama  has become somewhat obsessed with My Little Pony.
Applejack, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow DashHow am I supposed to know? I certainly don't know anything about Friendship is Magic that show or anyponybody involved with it. And Dhoc-li Llama should totally talk to me about itget serious help right away.
LJPC - the tortoise : Robert ... taxes ... eeekk!!  I thought this was the Comedy NL, not the Horror one.
~ Laura
There's always room for cross-genre explorations, especially when it comes to comedy.
And that's it for me for now - due to vagaries of the calendar, you get the benefit of my amazing wisdom twice next month! Until then, stay prank-free and
LAUGH ON!!!
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Comedy: April 04, 2012 Issue [#4969]
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