  Comedy
This week: Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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"I had thought — I had been told — that a 'funny' thing is a thing of a goodness. It isn't. Not ever is it funny to the person it happens to. Like that sheriff without his pants. The goodness is in the laughing itself. I grok it is a bravery... and a sharing... against pain and sorrow and defeat."
- Valentine Michael Smith
(Robert Heinlein,
Stranger in a Strange Land) |
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Love
It's that time of year, again: February, and love is in the air. Excuse me a moment while I put on this gas mask.
There, that's better. Can you still hear me? A little muffled, maybe? Well, a small price to pay, I suppose.
While I really shouldn't be making "love" jokes, I'm pretty sure my wife doesn't read this newsletter, so I'm probably safe. Hang on now while I open these windows, let the air clear out a bit. It may take a while, so relax. I got more gas masks, if you need 'em. Go for it. Sure, it makes you look like an anteater, but at least you won't have to breathe in the love.
Seriously, though, Valentine's Day? Whose bright idea was that, anyway? Probably the Romans, who were notoriously romantic (pun unavoidable). They had this thing called "Lupercalia," where they'd leave off sacking Phoenician cities long enough to tell each other how much in love they were. Me, I figure "Lupercalia" has the same root as "Lupus," so I don't want anything to do with it.
No, really: Lupercalia got its name from Lupa, the wolf who suckled Romulus and Remus, who would later go on to split off from Vulcan to found their own empire, eventually creating a time-warp that changed the entire history of the Federation when Jim Kirk's father was killed moments after Jim's birth and holy damn, I need to get out more.
Oh, good, looks like the air's finally cleared out. Now, one final word of advice: if you must go out this Valentine's Day, be careful not to step in anything. |
Some comedy, romantic or not, for V-Day:
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Last time, in "Comedy Newsletter (January 13, 2010)" , I noted that I had to bribe people to send me comments.
It worked. 
I promised the author of my favorite comment 5000 GPs, and other awards to my next two favorite comments.
Only problem is, there was a technicality: the author of what would have been my favorite comment had to email me the comment because it used the Cyrillic alphabet, each letter of which takes up about five characters (typical Russians; so inefficient). Consequently, the comment could not have fit in the comment box below (it exceeded the maximum character count). I received it via email, instead. Which is fine, but technically didn't meet my guidelines...
Therefore, to be fair to everyone except me, I'm awarding an extra 5000 GP Grand Prize:
Grand Prize: (5000 gift points)
Lorien  :
Дорогой Robert Waltz,
Я хотела послать Вам newsletter comment, однако к сожалению Вы написали в newsletter, что Ваш спор не действителен в моем районе, Тува. Я конечно не хочу обидеть Наша Товарища Владимира Владимиревича. Поэтому, ответить Вас не могу. Простите мне.
С уважением,
Лориенa
(Dear Robert Waltz,
I wanted to send you a newsletter comment; unfortunately, however, you wrote in your newsletter that your contest was not valid in my province of Tuva. Of course, I do not wish to offend our friend Vladimir Vladimirovich. For this reason, I cannot respond to your newsletter. Forgive me.
Sincerely,
Lorien)
Congrats, Lorien . You made me laugh out loud. So here's a poem I stole from the internet:
Roses are red;
Violets are blue.
In Soviet Russia,
Poem writes you!
First Prize: (5000 gift points)
sarahreed:
On the topic of Valentine's Day, I've never been into the holiday. It just costs too much and never works out right - it's an easy setup for failure. So now that I'm happily married, my husband and I have agreed not to do anything on Valentine's Day because of the crowds. However, we do go out to dinner sometime around Valentine's day and we use the holiday as an excuse to buy each other a new video game, to show that we love each other. I truly believe it has made our marriage stronger. 
I'm awarding this First Prize to sarahreed because nothing tugs at this geek's heart-strings like true love, as proven by the swapping of video games. Now all we need is a story where each partner sells his or her game platform to have enough money to buy each other's game gifts... what's that? It's been done? Not for V-Day, it hasn't!
Second Prize: (2000 gift points)
LJPC - the tortoise :
Hi Robert! Just when I was wondering where all the good bestiality jokes had gone...
 ing, Laura
LJPC - the tortoise gets Second Prize for leading us all to believe that there's such a thing as a "good" bestiality joke! (For the record, the joke in the last NL wasn't a bestiality joke; it hinged on the time-honored device of a misunderstanding. A misunderstanding involving bestiality.)
Third Prize: (1000 gift points)
Pepper  :
Oh, please! Do you REALLY think I can be motivated by a bribe? Do you REALLY think I can be soooo easily manipulated? ...that I am that shallow?
Wait! Five thousand did you say?
Hmmmmm... Perhaps, I could be motivated by a small token of your appreciation…
Pepper , I hope 1000 GPs is small enough of a token!
Everyone else gets no Gift Points, but has the inestimable good fortune of getting their handles in my newsletter! (And I do appreciate each and every one of them, even the ones I had to think about!)
THANKFUL SONALI Library Class!  : Thank goodness I don't live in Tuva Province, yadda yadda!
I'm not going to explain this comment!
She's not, but I'll point the curious reader at the link, above, to my last newsletter for an explanation - and a meta-explanation!
Smiling Jack : Robert, I always enjoy your newsletters--especially when you include one of my figments.
Re explaining: Not everyone is familiar F.O.D. (Fart on Demand) and the importance of the trigger finger. You had to be there to get it.
I'd prefer to not be there, thank you! My poor old dad used to say that puns were the lowest form of humor. No, Dad... it's the fart joke.
Lauriemariepea : i'd love to comment on your newsletter, robert, but i kinda got that blank stare thing happening . . .wanna tug on my finger? 
(guffawed at the cow joke--will pass it on to the hubby, for sure.)
Depends, Laurie - sure your husband won't mind?
Red Writing Hood <3  : I love the joke you shared! (Even though I can figure it out by the context clues...) What the heck is a "kvetch?"
Seems like I have to explain this one every year or so. But that's okay; anything to spread the word: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/kvetch
Angelica Weatherby-Star on top  : Any fishes around? :-d Nah I'm sure you don't have to bribe anyone for comments: you're newsletter will always be read by me- no matter what subject it is. Great jokes picked out! 
Well, thanks, Fishie! Glad you like it
Katya the Poet : Loved your groaner of a joke!
Hey, I just pass these on!
RICH : As a farmer, I do appreciate the seriousness of the poor farmer's situation. There was no joke in that, or was it? It was hilarious !! News letters are always eagerly awaited for. You do sound a bit like my wife there for a mo, never appreciated ....of course we do, we don't always say it.
And thanks for saying it!
olayemi: The best massage for the bone especially the ribs and most importantly the heart is on this blog. Laugh till you forget your name.
Oh, like that's hard... I forget my name every day!
And finally, we have one submitted item for your viewing pleasure.
Barefoot Bob writes, "Feedback would be appreicated" for "Invalid Item"
And that's it for me for February! (Whoohoo!) Tune in next month for a subject almost guaranteed to be not nearly as icky. Until then,
LAUGH ON!!! |
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Comedy: February 10, 2010 Issue [#3547]
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