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This week: Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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"I had thought — I had been told — that a 'funny' thing is a thing of a goodness. It isn't. Not ever is it funny to the person it happens to. Like that sheriff without his pants. The goodness is in the laughing itself. I grok it is a bravery... and a sharing... against pain and sorrow and defeat."
- Valentine Michael Smith
(Robert Heinlein,
Stranger in a Strange Land) |
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Holiday Gatherings
Okay, folks, look... with the calendar once more pointing at December and facing another grouping of winter-solstice-themed holidays, I'm seeing a lot of supposedly funny stories about shopping.
Shopping jokes are getting old.
And another thing... any parody poem that starts "'Twas the night before Christmas?" That's also getting old.
Instead, I'm going to focus on a different aspect of the holiday season: business, family, and friend gatherings. Parties, as it were.
Of course, I was only invited to one party this season (which should tell you something right there), and it was perfect. I mean, it's not every host who would let me and a friend do a karaoke (a Japanese word meaning "fat white guy make himself look like an idiot") of Paradise By The Dashboard Light. Yes, folks, the essence of comedy is not caring how idiotic you look - which should make me the funniest guy on the planet, but for some reason I've never been recognized as such. And we were glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife...
But I digress. Not every party can be perfect. You'll always have the office gatherings, where being politically correct is more important than dancing with a lampshade on your head. Or the family get-togethers, where you just can't quite bring up the courage to tell them you've just dropped out of school or been laid off in this economy (the plus side to that being not having to sweat through an office holiday party).
Last year, we had a gathering at my wife's family's house in Pittsburgh. Leaving aside for the moment the utter idiocy of going TO Pittsburgh for a holiday (one should be relocating one's self in the other direction), we played this game called... I don't remember what it's called. Stealing Santa, or Rudolph the Red-Nosed Burglar or something like that.
In case you're not familiar with the concept, it goes something like this: Everybody brings a gift. Usually there's a theme, like "red" or "vampires" or "stuff we got last year and never played with." The trick is, you don't know who the gift is for, so you have to get something nice but generic enough - like a duck. Last year's theme was "food," but we didn't bring a duck. We showed up with a box of chocolates. Not just any chocolates, mind you - the best chocolate in the whole universe (http://www.gearhartschocolates.com/).
Okay, so everyone brings a wrapped gift. When you're nice and sloshed, you gather around the living room (or warehouse floor, or executive bathroom, or wherever the party is happening) and then you put a number in a hat for everyone there; like, if there are 12 people there, you put in the numbers 1 through 12. Then everyone reaches in and pulls out a number. Whoever gets number 1 picks a gift and unwraps it. It's considered bad form to pick the gift you or your S.O. brought, but I guarantee you it happens anyway. You're also not supposed to let on which gift it was that you brought.
Now, here's the crappy part: once the person who got #1 finishes saying how great the piece of junk she unwrapped is, whoever got #2 then gets a choice - he can either take his chances with an unwrapped gift, or pry the one #1 got out of her cold, clutching fingers. If the latter, then #1 gets to unwrap a different present. This goes on, with #3 getting her choice of #1's new gift, #2's gift, or a surprise new one, and so on and so on. The last person gets a choice and then, just to be "fair," #1, who up to this point has never had a choice of anything but wrapped gifts, can swap hers for anyone else's.
Right now, some of you are going, "Cool! I can't wait to try this!"
Stop right there.
This is the stupidest, most idiotic, least thought-out, and least fun "party game" ever invented, and yes, I'm including lawn darts in the list of party games ever invented.
How do I know this?
Because every time I got a really cool gift in my hands, some in-law snatched it from my cold, grasping hands.
I ended up with a tin of peanuts.
I freaking HATE peanuts. They're like little pieces of hell in a shell.
And to think I once liked my in-laws.
But do I learn? No. This year, we're going back to Pittsburgh.
Or maybe I do learn. This year, I'm bringing a duck. |
A little winter holiday humor:
Bonus Section - Some holiday-oriented acrostic comedy:
A special poem about the true meaning of Christmas:
Another creative offering, about, well, another true meaning of the holidays:
And finally, the joys of giving... back.
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Some nice folks wrote in to last month's "Comedy Newsletter (November 19, 2008)" , wherein I discussed injecting comedy into otherwise serious works, with special attention to that November writing exercise called NaNoWriMo.
Thomas  : LOL!!! You call yourself "Self" too? That's amazing. I thought I was the only one.
Your NaNo novel sounds interesting, especially the part about...'Hi honey'...the explosions. Yeah, it's the explosions that sound the most interesting. 
Wink, wink, nod, nod, say no more say no more!
francie: Outstanding newsletter. I enjoyed a few of the stories you linked. Thanks for the laughs.
That's what we're here for! Thanks for the feedback!
andromeda : I'm doing nanowrimo and i doubt i'll make it. I going to try. but this is the longest i've written in the shortest amount of time. sigh....
By now you've either made it or not, but hopefully you got something out of it. And there's always next year!
bookworm243: Awesome Newsletter. You're right- all writing deserves a little comedy.
Thank you! Well, perhaps not ALL writing. Obituaries, maybe not. Unless it's an obituary about a comedian. I hope whoever writes mine puts a few laughs in!
That's it for this time! You won't see me again until 2009, so: Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, Blessed Yule, Kickin' Kwanzaa, and a Joyous New Year to all Comedy Newsletter readers! And remember...
Axial Tilt is the Reason for the Season!
So until next year,
LAUGH ON!!! |
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Comedy: December 17, 2008 Issue [#2781]
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