  Action/Adventure
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"Did you get a good look at him?" she asked.
"Yeah. He was staring inside, fascinated by the blood, the bodies. There was something eerie about him...he had this faraway look...and licking his lips as if, I don't know, as if there was something erotic about all that blood, those bodies. He ignored me when I told him to get back behind the barrier, probably didn't even hear me...like he was in a trance...licking his lips."
"Did you get his name?"
"No. I was sick about it later," he said, "disgusted."
-Dean Koontz, Dragon Tears |
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ATTRIBUTIVE CLAUSES
The whole point of including dialogue in a story is to reveal character. The spoken words, and how they’re spoken, must remain the focus. To distract your reader from this purpose is to work against your own aims.
People often speak and act simultaneously in real life. And it’s tempting to try to reflect this in your dialogue. But it’s also, for the most part, a semi-pro move, because readers process sentences discreetly. They tend to translate dialogue differently than action. Fusing the two together invites confusion, which is a writer’s sworn enemy.
Let’s start with the root form: the attributive clause, otherwise known as that thing that comes after the quotation marks. The attributive clause has only one basic job: to help convey how a particular piece of dialogue has been uttered.
The problem is that writers have taken to using the attributive clause as a kind of catch-all where they can dump plot information, character sketches and authorial asides. They try to cram so much character and plot info into the clause that it’s impossible, by the end of the sentence, to remember what it is that the character said.
Try to split them up. When the dialogue and the physical gestures are granted their own sentences, they do more work because the reader is given longer to absorb them.
So, you ask, how do you do that?
Well, the best way is to just simply stick with ‘he said/she said’.
Try to remember, that you can’t ‘shrug’ words. You can’t ‘smile’ or ‘scowl’ them. These are all action verbs that don’t involve the vocal cords. They’re gestures.
You can’t say, I don’t believe in sea-monsters,” he scowled.
Of course you could say, I don’t believe in sea-monsters,” he said with a scowl.
Preferably, you could say, He scowled. “I don’t believe in sea-monsters.”
But the way I would do it is like this:
The reporter scowled. “I don’t believe in sea-monsters.”
The old man’s mouth was dry with seawater, and his voice caught like a crab in his throat. “Oh, but you will, matey, I have a hunch he’ll show up.”
The reported folded his arms across his chest and smiled. “Yeah right, I’ll believe it when I see it.”
The old man stood, his bones creaking like the deck of a ship, his body as creased and wrinkled as a crumpled paper bag. “Well then, ye landlubber…get a load of this.”
The grizzled old seafarer opened his mouth wider than was humanly possible. Within the cave of his maw, the reporter saw the man’s tongue squirm like a fat eel caught in a fisherman’s net. In a blink of an eye, it darted out and attached itself to the young man’s face.
Until next time,
billwilcox
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The Adventurer's Guild Quest Board
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Excerpt: “Well, you gotta understand something,” Ian replied easily. “This is Oklahoma and an elephant isn’t a pet, a farm creature, nor a game animal. So Flora is simply flying underneath our radar.”
Excerpt: The stolen car shuddered to a stop and then the car’s horn blasted out, steady and strong, as if someone was slumped over it. I froze – horrified – knowing I’d just shot my gun and probably killed someone because of it. In those seconds’ silence, Jack scrambled to his feet and ran behind our vehicle towards me. He had several cuts and scraps on his face and was bleeding from his ear.
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Excerpt: Yet the foot prints told her this being was no man. Powerful, yes. She saw that in the trees it tore up, pushed down, and generally shoved out of it’s way. Intelligent---probably. The fire incident alone told her that; but the huge shelter constructed near a cave opening told her more.
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Excerpt: “I need to find my demon fighting gear,” he says. I look at him oddly, wondering what on earth could be included in demon fighting gear. He looks at me as if I should know. As if I have my own set of demon fighting gear. “You know,” he says. “The gold cross, the musical tone, the staff, the protection amulet, a head lamp, a knife… don’t you have these things too?”
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Excerpt: Six small guns on the outer frame began firing moments later, expending roughly ten solid rounds a second from each barrel as they tried to track and pre-detonate the incoming projectiles. Micah could see the white dots disappear one by one as they got closer, and the flashes of light in the corner of his vision, but he knew that there wasn’t enough time for the guns to lock on to all of them. “They’re moving too fast.”
Excerpt: In her rush to freedom, she tried to stand, collapsed and tumbled to the floor in a burst of fury and tears. Frantically she searched her body; moved her one good hand across her head. Her hair was gone, and her fingers probed a deep fissure-like suture that ran completely around her shaved skull. A heart-wrenching moan wracked her body as she realized the woman she had once been had been utterly cut away and lost to her forever.
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Cheats & Hints
Octobers Lie 
Submitted Comment:
(((Bill)))
As always, a great newsletter. Love the story. Tickled the imagination. And, thank you for including my story in your Editor's Picks. Definitely an honor.
strayndnjcv
Submitted Comment:
I liked this newsletter.
"They grew."
So, so true. I think that related to all of the inner kid of the readers.
Keep up the good work!
shaara
Submitted Comment:
What a dreadful story! I was biting my nails and lips in fear. And then you got to the ending, and I realized it had happened to me -- I am a grown-up. Wah! Wah! Wah! (I never should have eaten those vegetables!)
-Shaara
P.S. You did great. How dynamic is your writing now! I shall have to grab a brush and paint my stories with such cruel characters as those. LOL...Pa-errants!
Sweet Musings
Submitted Comment:
Outstanding newsletter as always, and the outline you presented was a story in and of itself. Awesome writing.
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Action/Adventure: March 12, 2008 Issue [#2265]
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