Frogs, Snails, and Puppy Dog TailsâŚ
âŚthatâs what little boys are made of.
We were dining at Texas Roadhouse when I jokingly scolded my son: âItâs not nice to throw your nuts at the ladies.â
My husband looked at me with shock and tried not to laugh. I smiled sweetly. My son, aged ten, began to vibrate and flail in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. âYou wait until the coast is clear - like thisâŚâ I peeled a peanut and tossed the shell on the floor.
âMom! I didnât know you had nuts!â
âMy nuts are bigger than your nuts,â I bragged, shelling a particularly large peanut.
âEwww, you just ate your nuts!â my son squealed.
âWatch out, Iâll--â bite my tongue and think twice before finishing that sentence, I thought. Arguably, itâs up to the adults to teach young folks decent public behavior. âFoodâs here now, settle down,â I said, grateful for quick service and quantities of food guaranteed to curtail conversation for a few minutes.
âWhat has four wheels and flies?â asked William, holding a burger in one hand and stuffing cheese fries in his mouth with the other.
I held up a finger and raised an eyebrow while I finished chewing and swallowing. âI donât know,â I answered, âwhat?â
âA garbage truck!â He laughed so hard I was afraid heâd slam his face down in the ketchup.
What is it about little boys and stinky, smelly, ugly, rotten, nasty, icky, gross, slimy, creepy, crawly things? For that matter, what is it about little boys and spitting? Here in Texas, itâs common to see a man driving a truck throw open the door at a red light, lean halfway out of the truck, and spit on the pavement. I think theyâre convinced that if enough of them deposit spit on the asphalt, itâll fill in the potholes, harden up in the heat, and save the taxpayers a ton of money. But the fascination with spit starts long before a boy is old enough to try tobacco or develop the sort of civic-mindedness required to worry about potholes in the road. You can keep a boy busy for hours if you stick him on a bridge, a balcony, or a seawall and let him spit. So much the better if there are pedestrians--er, targets--down below. (Hereâs a hot tip for you boys: When Mom says âWhat in Peteâs name are you doing?â answer âStudying terminal velocity.â Do not say âSpittinâ off the bridge.â Convince Mom itâs a scientific âlearning experienceâ and everyone will be happier. Grab yourself a piece of sandstone and jot down numbers on the bridge, as if youâre actually recording the seconds between âhock tooey!â and âsplat!â)
Boys also gravitate towards weapons at a young age. Spit and paper become deadly projectiles when paired with a straw. Girls and long-necked teachers with bobbing Adamâs apples and horn-rimmed glasses are favorite targets. When they are not engaged in the art of warfare, boys can be heard indulging in musical pursuits - making razzberries and armpit noises and playing air-guitar.
All this unselfconsciousness can be baffling to girls. âDo I look okay?â his sister will ask.
âYeah, I guess,â answers William, not looking up from his video game.
âDo you think Iâm pretty?â
âNo.â
Her eyes well up with tears and she runs to her room. What she doesnât understand is that her little brother couldnât care less what she wears and thinks âprettyâ is irrelevant - sheâs his sister. He loves her and he is sometimes aggravated by her, and no amount of flattery or insults is going to change a thing between them. He loves us girls just the way we are - from our stinky athletic shoes to our comfy old t-shirts to our un-made-up faces, and he is just as baffled that his sister doesnât get it.
Bathroom Humor & Graffiti
Written on the left wall:
TOILET TENNIS
look right
Written on the right wall:
look left
Book Recommendations (one from me, one from my son):
This collection of gross-out verse and lyrics was compiled by an online friend, author Josepha Sherman, back in 1995. I remember her asking the members of Writersâ Ink for contributions dredged from childhood memory. Mine? I had only to hum the tune to âThe worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,â and my mom (who suffered from an ulcer) would stick her head in the toilet. Such power should never be entrusted to ten-year-oldsâŚ
ASIN: 0874834449 |
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Amazon's Price: Price N/A
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My son is a huge fan of Dav Pilkey and the Captain Underpants series. Iâll add my limited endorsement under the âif you canât beat âem, join âemâ theory of getting a child to love reading. I donât object to the potty humor so much as to the misspellings in Pilkeyâs charactersâ hand-drawn cartoon. If youâre going to read about poop, at least learn to spell it properlyâŚ
ASIN: 0439417848 |
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Amazon's Price: $ 31.40
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