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Printed from https://writing.com/main/newsletters/action/archives/id/10783-Office-Conversations.html
Comedy: May 26, 2021 Issue [#10783]




 This week: Office Conversations
  Edited by: Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
                             More Newsletters By This Editor  Open in new Window.

Table of Contents

1. About this Newsletter
2. A Word from our Sponsor
3. Letter from the Editor
4. Editor's Picks
5. A Word from Writing.Com
6. Ask & Answer
7. Removal instructions

About This Newsletter

Our business is infested with idiots who try to impress by using pretentious jargon.
         -David Ogilvy

I'm terrible with tech. But I'm good with jargon. I can sound like I know what I'm doing.
         -Michael Emerson

The best time to catch tribal jargon is when it's not looking.
         -Susie Dent


Word from our sponsor

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Letter from the editor

Pundits predict a mass return to the office after more than a year of work-from-home relief, so for those of you who will be returning to the commute, and for anyone who might be considering an office job for the first time, I thought I'd provide a brief guide to the kinds of conversations you might have in an office environment.

Managers like to use arcane lingo and incomprehensible phrases. It makes them sound like they're on top of things. Or, as they might put it, it engenders an atmosphere of sustainable competence, providing a framework for internal communication and team-centered reliability.

In truth, though, it mostly serves to muddy the corporate waters. Here are some examples:

"Leverage our core competences in order to promote mission values."
Translation: Do your jobs.

"Iterate your orthogonal administration to implement our core goals."
Translation: Write that report.

"Demonstrate fungibility."
Translation: Show us why we shouldn't lay you off.

"Benchmark our emerging systems using next-generation architectures."
Translation: We're about to get new software. Learn it.

"Let's put a pin in this and circle back around to it next week, see if we can synergize the efficacy of it then."
Translation: I don't want to hear this now; I'm busy.

"Productize intrinsic processes in terms of global sustainability."
Translation: I have no idea what I'm talking about.

"Credibly evisculate revolutionary e-services."
Translation: I really like my middle-management salary and want to keep it.

"Pursue innovation in the realm of bleeding-edge best practices."
Translation: Please help me -- I'm trapped in corporation hell.

"Continually enable on-demand orchestration of tactical benefits."
Translation: I have memorized the thesaurus, but I don't really understand it.

So, there you go. I hope this short guide will be helpful in leveraging your core competencies. If not, you could always do the unthinkable and actually ask your boss what he or she means. But if you do that, be prepared to update your resume.


Editor's Picks

Some funnies that (hopefully) don't require specialized lingo to understand:

 CHOCOLATE Open in new Window. [E]
yum yum yum....
by markymark Author Icon


 
Image Protector
Have a Nice Day Open in new Window. [E]
Based on a true story.
by Anni Pon Author Icon


 
Image Protector
The Phone Open in new Window. [E]
A musing on phones.
by Beholden Author Icon


 Invalid Item Open in new Window. []

by A Guest Visitor


 Invalid Item Open in new Window. []

by A Guest Visitor


 
Image Protector
Ode to a Noisy Nightingale Open in new Window. [ASR]
A twisted ode to a much beloved bird, with apologies to John Keats
by Christopher Roy Denton Author Icon


MY "TO DO" LIST (Seussically speakink!) Open in new Window. [E]
I didn't mean to write this! It's one of those surprises that happens by itself.
by Carol St.Ann Author Icon


 Sharp Retort Open in new Window. [E]
Bugged by the very online. Sonnet.
by Private Author Icon

 
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Word from Writing.Com

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Don't forget to support our sponsor!

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Ask & Answer

Last time, in "Specifics" Open in new Window., I gave some advice on being specific in comedy writing.

🐕GeminiGem🎁 Author Icon: One morning I am at my desk in the Internal Medicine clinic, minding my own business. Someone has a seat in my visitor's chair so I automatically look up and prepare to help one of our patients. What greets me is a man in a nice button-up shirt, tie, and a horse mask. His legs are crossed in a relaxed manner and he appears to be regarding me quietly. I am caught me off guard so completely and I burst out laughing. The man was one of our pediatricians. He clearly knew about the comedic effect of horse masks.

         Horse masks: Never not funny.

And that's it for me for May! See you next month. Until then,

LAUGH ON!!!



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