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 Review #4812216 |
 | Beast of Burden  [13+] Matty returns home for a weekend and encounters the family's very sensitive mule.  |
| (4.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: The main character returned to a place from which he had never truly escaped. From the start, there was an immediate sense of unease - not like a horror story (although later on, there were definite horror elements) but the quiet pain of returning to a childhood home of emotional neglect. The father’s presence, even post-mortem, was all-consuming. The readers could feel the weight of him in every hallway, in every scar the siblings carry. The mother, too, was more ghost than woman - still breathing, still there, but only just. The story took a sharp turn when the mule made an appearance and you introduced a supernatural element I hadn’t anticipated. In fact, at first I wasn’t sure I had read it right, but then it became clear that there was something else going on, something the first two thirds of the story hadn’t prepared me for. That’s not a criticism, on the contrary. I appreciated the way you introduced the shift, and there was something disturbingly satisfying about Lucinda’s justice.  Suggestions: The story itself was well told, but there were a number of small grammatical errors, mainly punctuation, that let it down. Watch out for run-on sentences or comma splices, where you pack too much into one sentence without proper punctuation, for example here, The gate began to moan as it edged open, at one point I wondered whether I would have to get out of my car and help it along. Like an eager puppy she leapt into my arms and I held her, I squeezed my eyes tight but could not stop them… These sentences incorrectly join two independent clauses with just a comma. I would suggest replacing it with a full stop, turning each sentence into two. The grass has been chewed up in precise, neat little patches The story was in past tense so this should be, “The grass had been…” “Lucy, its Matt,” You missed the apostrophe in “it’s”, short for “it is”.  Final Thoughts: The ending was perfect. At first, I thought there might be a reconciliation with the father after his death, but when Lucinda revealed what she had been doing, it became clear that this wasn’t going to happen. Unless Matt’s actions were a kind of forgiveness, although the way he was excited at the prospect didn’t make it seem that way. You didn’t explain the supernatural element; it simply was and for me as a reader, that was good enough. This was a great story and well worth a bit of time to get rid of the errors.   A Review from: "Invalid Item" This review is affiliated with The B.E.A.R. Fund , a community project that let's you earn exclusive merit badges just by reviewing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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