Hello, Ned,

Here is a review for your {item:}, which Random Review brought my way.

Comments and Observations:

First, congrats for being able to write this story with such a restrictive word count. Plus, your story is interesting and builds tension very effectively.

This may be partly due to the opening sentence's strong hook that grabbed my attention right away, followed by the build up to give me the impression that something ominous is about to happen. Then, the twist at the end is to die for. Really, very effective!

This story is fine as it is, but should you wish to enlarge or add to it without regarding the word-count restriction, here are a few thoughts from me:

You might add to Joey's panic with physical reactions, such as his sweaty palms and his heart racing.

You can include some sensory details like describing the knocking sound as, 'booming like thunder' and also, the descriptions of the surrounding areas around Joey, such as a picture on a wall moving or shifting as the result of the loud knocks on the door.

Also, find a backstory to Joey's fear when he heard the knocking on the door. Had he done something wrong, and now, he thought he was found out, for example.

Shifting of the emotions, from calm to fear to relief and joy, could be smoother, which would mean more words and a much longer story.

To wrap it up, I enjoyed your story very much, but I think you can pull a larger story out of this one.

Best wishes with your work.







My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .