Hello, BoB_618,

Here is a review for your "Broken Trust No. II" .

Comments and Observations:

Wow! You sure are a word-master with descriptions and emotions. Your piece talks about your suspicion, devastation, loss of a relationship and trust because of an incident. As an aside, instead of referring to the main character as "the narrator," for this review's sake, I'll refer to him as "you."

Reading your story, I did feel the depth of betrayal and heartbreak that must have affected you so strongly, and your emotional pain. I guess this is due to the way you described her and the situation, in words such as, “her lips were like dehydrated fruit” and “akin to a broken stained glass window.”

Then, you also built up the suspense effectively with the noticing of the wife's behavior and body language.

The ending is powerful. And I do like very much Trapper's quote. It fits the situation, perfectly. I am, however, wondering if it would be better to introduce Trapper earlier in the piece in some way to connect his wise quote to your experience more directly. I mean Trapper's sudden existence at the last paragraph was kind of a jolt for me.

Other than that, this story is skillfully written and it felt like a true life experience to me.

Suggestions on the text as to grammar, usage, and punctuation

Well-written text in general, but I suggest, for better clarity, one sentence could be changed because it is the description of a key moment.
This sentence,
"Pat kissed me before she walked out the door; five hours that changed our lives."
could be written as:
"Pat kissed me before she walked out the door—for five hours that would change our lives forever."

Best wishes with your work.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .