John, greetings! I saw that you're celebrating an anniversary. So, to help drive my Angle Army Review number up a little, I popped into your port and looked for something current, and "Blackstone Cove"  stood out.

I realize it is only part of a longer story. So, you are probably not as interested in copyediting as you are in a reader's reaction to the storyline. So here goes my gut reaction….

Man, I finished Blackstone Cove, and holy crap, what a wild ride! This story sucked me in right from the get-go, and didn't let up. It's one of those interactive ones where you're in the driver's seat as Rory, this burglar who's clearly been at it for a while. It starts with him bailing out a window mid-heist—total chaos—and then it's all about dodging danger, making split-second calls, and figuring out how to get out alive. And you? You're deciding how it plays out, which is awesome.

Picture this: Rory's leaping out a window, crashing into the icy Northern Seas. The way it's written, I could feel the cold hitting me, that sting of salt in my eyes, my chest screaming for air as he fights to swim up. It reminded me of this one time as a kid when I fell into a freezing creek—pure panic, but kind of thrilling, too, you know? The whole vibe of Blackstone Cove—the cliffs, the dark water, that rickety jetty—felt so real I could smell the salt in the air. It's like I was right there with him, shivering and all.

Rory's the kind of guy you can't help but root for, even if he's a crook. He's got this edge, but there's a heart in there, too—like when he risks everything to save the jerk chasing him. That hit me hard. His half-brother Barney's a riot, too—cracking jokes and keeping things light even when it's all going to hell. The bad guy, though? The dude's a nightmare. Relentless, mean as hell, and that whole "I'll drown you" vibe had me legit stressed.

The interactive stuff is where it gets fun. Like, at one point, I had to pick—keep the loot and risk sinking, or ditch it to swim faster? I was sweating that call! I'd love more moments like that—maybe a chance to outsmart the pursuer or wave down Barney for a clutch save. It'd make me feel even more in control, you know?

It moves fast—heart's pounding during the chase, but then you get these quieter bits where Rory's thinking about his life, and it's a nice breather. Some parts drag a little—like when he's swimming up from the deep. I was like, "Come on, man, surface already!" Trimming that down would've kept me on the edge of my seat. Oh, and the dialogue's got this thick dialect—"I swear to de See Mooder" and stuff—which is cool but kinda tricky to read sometimes. Easing up on that would help, and maybe fix a couple of typos, like "There weren't no bushes." Just little hiccups.

The ending, though? That's where it got me. Rory's got this guy who wants him dead, but he still can't let him drown. It's messy, moral-wise, and I was sitting there wondering what I'd do. Not every day a thief story makes you think that deeply.

The bottom line, Blackstone Cove is a damn good time. Action's killer, the setting's stuck in my head, and I loved calling the shots. Yeah, it's got a few rough spots, but I had a blast reading it. If you're into fast, gritty stories with some heart—and you wanna play puppet master—this is your jam. Can't wait for you to expand on this story!
________________________________________


I know your story’s still in the works and not ready to send to a publisher, so it is early for copy-editing… but here are a few tips to improve it, focusing on better use of "Show over Tell" and cutting Redundancy.

Show, Don't Tell
Current Example: "Rory was quick on his feet."
Improvement: Instead of telling the reader that Rory is fast, show it through his actions. For Example, you could write, "Rory darted around overturned chairs, his boots barely touching the ground as he evaded his pursuer." This paints a picture of his speed and agility without stating it outright.

Current Example: "It was always much easier to slip out a door."
Improvement: Show this preference by describing a past moment, like, "In his last heist, Rory had slipped through a back door, vanishing before the guards turned the corner." This contrasts with his current predicament—jumping out a window—heightens the tension.

Additional Tip: For emotions like fear or urgency, use physical details. Instead of "Rory was scared," try "Rory's palms slicked with sweat, his breath hitching as the footsteps grew louder."

Cutting Redundancy

Current Example: Rory's speed is emphasized repeatedly (e.g., "Rory was quick on his feet," "He ran as hard as he could, and damn he was fast!").

Improvement: Mention his speed once or vary how it's shown. For Example, after showing him dodging obstacles, he later describes how he vaults a low wall without breaking stride. This keeps the trait relevant without over-repeating it.

Current Example: The cliffs and sea are described multiple times similarly.

Improvement: Combine these into a single, vivid description early on, like, "The cliffs loomed over the churning sea, waves crashing against jagged rocks far below." Avoid revisiting the same details unless they change or add new tension.

Enhance Imagery with Specific Details
Current Example: "The black water below."

Improvement: Add sensory specifics: "The black water churned below, its icy waves glinting under the moonlight like a living thing waiting to swallow him." This deepens the atmosphere.

Additional Tip: Use vivid language to bring scenes to life. Instead of "the cliffs," try "the jagged cliffs, their edges sharp as knives against the stormy sky."

It is clear you have been writing and learning our craft for some time now, and offering suggestions about how to write doesn't provide much. I am guessing you have already heard most of the tired old mantra. But you have a nice, unique writer's voice, and when you get ready to publish, I suspect you will hire a pro to fix SPAG Issues. (And there are some issues) But if you are like me, you want to know if your story cuts the mustard-covered cheese (in a good way.) I say Yes, it does... great job... but the trick is to keep grinding the pencils to paper.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .