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 Review #4802727 |
 |  | The Train Ride  [E] An adventure riding the rails  |
| (5.0)| Hello, Seabreeze, aka Sandywrite! INITIAL IMPRESSION / OVERVIEW:  I enjoyed reading your "The Train Ride" poem today. Your writing kept me riveted and I read straight through to the end. Congratulations on inspiring Sung'manitu  to create a merit badge based on your poem! MORE DETAILED FEEDBACK:  I found your poem in the news feed today, praised by our mutual friend as mentioned above, with an image of the merit badge that was inspired by the poem. He is giving the badge to the first ten people to review your poem, so I figured I'd check it out. I don't review everything that I read here (not enough time for that), but I do try to do a review each day of something that I really liked. I enjoyed reading your poem. It felt like a fun adventure through someone else's eyes. You had some details in your "The Train Ride" poem that made me smile, that I doubt I would have thought of, like that Joey "doesn't like liverwurst!"  I liked the rhyming in the first couple stanzas of your "The Train Ride" poem. My favorite line was a tie between the one I mentioned above and "I am glad, I am hungry. Playing hobo is hard work." because they both made me smile. I thought you did a great job with creating a fun children's adventure and fantasy poem about riding the rails in their imaginative play time. The references to Mom made it feel extra realistic to me. I wondered if you'd written this poem for a particular challenge or contest here? I thought the fantasy, action / adventure, and children's genres you selected for this poem were appropriate matches for it. I liked the thumbnail image that you used for your poem. Your description made me more interested in reading your poem. Overall, I greatly enjoyed reading your poem and think my nephews would enjoy it. I'm glad you have no restrictions on it so they can do so without having to join the site. Though I do hope they join. At least one of them writes poetry and has already been published in a book of poems written by children (yes, proud aunt here!).IDEAS TO MAKE YOUR PIECE STRONGER: In the spirit of helpfulness, and because of the requirements of a new reviewing challenge I joined recently, I have three little suggestions to make your piece stronger. If you're interested in some constructive criticism, read on. But if you aren't, no worries. Just know that I enjoyed your piece and move on to the next section. Still reading? You're brave! Yay for you!   In this sentence: "Let's go get dinner Joey!" I think there should be a comma after "dinner," because there'd be a natural pause there when a child called it out. If you chose to make this change, the line would then look like this:"Let's go get dinner, Joey!" I was a little disappointed when the rhyming stopped. If you could do it and not loose the fun feeling of the poem, I would recommend putting in a rhyme in every stanza. If they're there, and I didn't catch them, I apologize. It is pretty common for children's poems to rhyme, but it's not required. I just guess I had an expectation that there would be more rhymes because the first two stanzas had them. It's always nice for me as a reader to have the form and line count listed below the poem, perhaps in a "notes" section. I don't know how long it took me to start doing that, but once I did, readers responded favorably. So I'd recommend adding that information beneath your poem. I did actually wonder whether this was meant to be a rhyming poem or a free verse poem for the first few stanzas. As with any review, please take what serves you and release or ignore what doesn't. CONCLUSION:  I enjoyed reading your "The Train Ride" poem, and thought it was a fun children's poem for even an adult female like me to read. Thank you for sharing your time, creativity, heart, experiences, and writing with the Writing.Com community!May love, joy and peace be yours in abundance this month, and always! PWheeler   A SuperPower Reviewers Choice review!  Positive Hearts  A Review from: "Positive Hearts Reviews Group"  The B.E.A.R. Fund   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 02/27/2025 @ 7:27pm EST