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 Review #4801630 |
 | The Shrinking Freshman  [13+] 19 year old Chet Richardson is shrinking. Is this the end for the young man?  |
| (3.0)| Hello, you were good enough to give me a review so I am here to return that favor. I'm not too familiar with shrinking genres, so the comments you'll get are going to be about as raw as you can get I reckon. I'd like to preface this by saying that I take a pretty in-depth approach to the review process. As such, it might seem like I'm really picking something apart in a negative way. I can assure you that is not my intention. I'd like to mention that in some of my reviews you may see a word with a dotted underline like this. This is a spot in a sentence that I've marked for your attention. I've packed a comment within the notes that you can read simply by mousing over the word or phrase with this dotted underline. *** Opening *** That's a pretty solid hook. Right to the point, no fluff, and a nice voicing to boot. Well done. *** Style and Voice ***  The rat seemed angry and very hungry.Let's start with the rat seeming hungry and angry. As Max Griffin 🏳️🌈  an Author that I have a tremendous amount of respect for says: A story is a guided dream. That said, telling me a rat seems angry and hungry is just flat and uninteresting rather than it being a guided dream, this tells like a sports announcer recapping an instant replay. Show me the rat seeming hungry and angry. There's a lot of behaviors you could explore with this. Snarling, they don't really growl but they can shriek like no tomorrow (former rat owner). Anger bruxing, things like that will put me into the eyes of the character and make the scene that much more vivid. I don't mind a bit of tell once in a while, sometimes it's good to breathe a minute, but it's too early in the narrative for lines to fall flat on their face. The second issue with the sentence is the dreaded word very. If I might quote John Keating in The Dead Poets Society ▼  The rat snarled and snapped at him, eager to fill its belly.Just a suggestion of showing over telling. The rat screamed... Oh, yes, if shrinking wasn't strange enough, Chet was only clad in his underwear. The briefs, for some reason shrunk with him.Useful exposition, but I don't think in the middle of a life and death situation with a hungry rat, Chet would be thinking about his underwear. This could be better developed elsewhere when he's not in the heat of battle. The said rat then bit Chet on the arm trying to loosen his hold on the needle.This sentence is odd. Why is it the said rat? is it something abstract and obscure? I don't think so. This immediately pulled me out of the action as I envisioned Dr. Evil using quotation mark fingers while saying "rat." I've mentioned that I used to own rats. 3 as a matter of fact. Pumpkin Seed, Peanut and Potato. They were the best pets ever. I know a thing or two about rats. One big thing is their bite power is pretty ridiculous; these things can gnaw through almost anything in a couple of minutes. The rat biting a full-size human would at the very least break skin, deep. Chet, being 4 inches tall, this would break a bone. Get him thicker into this situation to avoid this damning fate, which would also add more to the action. You cut the story from the action to a week earlier and we're introduced to a pretty large dialogue sequence. Nothing wrong with that. 12 rounds with a giant rat, the reader would want a break. I want to mention though, you're a bit of a SAIDist. Being that you tag your dialogue more than you need to. I like knowing who is speaking, but you do it plenty in your dialogue that I don't need unnecessary tags. A few examples of this: "Very funny, Jimmy," said Chet, "you know I'm smaller than you. You don't have to rub it in."He addresses Jimmy in this set of dialogue, so I know it's Chet that's speaking. You don't need the tag: said Chet. "You didn't eat much for breakfast," said Jimmy. "Look, just drop it, you worry too much," replied Chet, "besides, I have to get to Biology class." "Okay," said Jimmy, "see you later," This block of dialogue follows a reflective paragraph in the point of view of Jimmy. It's long enough that a reader would have lost track of who was who, as such, the first bit of dialogue is tagged correctly. Immediately I know that Jimmy initiated the dialogue, at this point the other tags aren't needed, and quite honestly make the dialogue dull to read. The subject of the dialogue is solid, and its good exposition for your character, but all the tags are just kind of wishy-washy to an otherwise good sequence. After that dialogue sequence we're then popped into the point of view of Chet again. You executed a PoV shift fine after the fight with the rat, as there was a break in the narrative, the same should be done here otherwise it can confuse the reader. Then, Angela started staring at Chet with concern . She stared long enough that Chet said,The whole sentence actually is a bit of a missed opportunity to show vs. tell. There's a lot of unpacking you could do right here to make the scene more vivid. Show me what Angela's face would look like as she stared. What would her eyebrows do? What would her eyes do? What quirk does she have when she's contemplative? At the same time, you can explore a whole slew of emotions with Chet here as he can feel her gaze and the awkwardness of her visual exchange. This can build tension in the scene and add more to your previously established, socially awkward character. I want to mention that you PoV shift to Angela in this same block of text which can be confusing for a reader to know who's head they're in. Examples: Chet reached his Biology class and took a seat. He pulled his notebook out of his bookbag and got read for the professor to lecture. While he was doing this, Angela Thompson sat beside him and started doing the same thing.Chet's PoV. Angie didn't say anything further. For one thing, the professor had come up to lecture. Maybe after class she could convince Chet to go to the infirmary.Angie's PoV. Chet slowly and cautiously got up and grabbed the top of his pants as if he expected them to slip down again. They didn't, but they did feel looser.I will say that there are some who will say that all adverbs are bad. I don't agree with that, but 9 times out of 10 there's better ways of saying what you're trying to say. If you must use the adverbs in this format, it still makes the sentence wordy and could just as easily describe his rise from the desk with one adverb: gingerly Definition: In a careful or cautious manner. However, the sentence again is a good example of telling vs. showing. Rather than dumping adverbs on the reader to describe context, show me through the eyes of Chet, how he's getting out of his desk. He slid from his chair, he hooked his finger through the belt loop, etc. As stated, they weren't boyfriend and girlfriendYou can establish this better in the mind of your character's reflections. As stated is something a doctor would say to a sick patient after he recapped a prognosis and treatment plan. If I could venture another quote from John Keating in The Dead Poets Society ▼ "Okay," replied the blond headed guy, "thank you Dr. Hopkins.""Just by a few minutes," said Chet's muscular roommate, Chapter 2 the professor was very understanding.I won't get back into very but this is telling rather than showing. the professor eased his worry with a dismissive wave of his hand.Something like that will accomplish the same but actually put me into the scene. In fact, it had somehow rotated and it's dial was no longer facing up.I like this little detail, and it's a good image, but I think you could explore more of this, just a bit. You could talk about the irritating touch of the round dial on his wrist, or the band itself pinching and pulling hairs out. Little details can add a lot of depth to a scene. *** Grammar *** Nothing that really stood out here. *** Typos *** "Okay," said Jimmy, "see you later," He pulled his notebook out of his bookbag and got read for the professor to lecture.They just didn't have that "spark" In fact, it had somehow rotated and it's dial was no longer facing up. *** Ending *** This wasn't really an ending I don't think. If it was, it ended in a bit of a cliffhangerish spot so not bad at all. *** Summary *** I like that the story hits the ground running. Immediately I'm put into the thick of the action, which is a great way to get a story going. The downside is it is muddled by a lot of telling vs. showing. I'd have rather experienced this fight through the eyes of Chet, rather than through the ringside announcer. The dialogue sequences are good to offer exposition in little bits and pieces instead of one great big infodump of a character, that was executed quite well. I will say, however that it's tagged with the unexciting and innocuous he said, she said, he replied, and so on to the point that it becomes bland and interruptive to an otherwise nice bit of dialogue. The dialogue between the Dr. and Chet was a pretty good moment in the story. Very natural and relatable. I do like the little nuance with Chet rounding everything up, it does a lot to give the character a self-conscious air of insecurity, that really adds a lot of depth to him. That is nicely done. I have to say, the story is disjointed to a point that it becomes very confusing and feels almost more like someone is describing scenes from a T.V. show to me. It switches PoV's back and forth with no breaks in the writing hopping from Chet, to Jimmy, to Angie, to the Doctor, to Chet, to the Dr again. This is too much for a reader to want to wade through. Having a single perspective, especially in such a small writing can still achieve the same effect, only viewed from your main character rather than from everyone in little snippets. The cutback to the Doctor's phone conversation for example, was entirely unneeded and only served as a distraction from the scene that was already developing between your other 3 characters. The Three Musketeers exposition to their name could have been established later in this scene without need of the Doctor at all. There's a good backbone here. The slow, barely noticeable decrease in the character's size was well portrayed. It was subtle and only touched on with a remarkable finesse. I really liked that part of the story. The entire narrative could use a touch up in the scenery with deeper dives into character perspective. I noticed you tell the story more than you show it. I've included a couple articles by Max Griffin 🏳️🌈 that goes into terrific detail on the differences in this common literary hiccup. As well as PoV in a story.
I will also include an article by Ladyoz that shows a great example of affective use of dialogue tags.I know it probably seemed like I ripped this to shreds and didn't like it. I assure you that's not the case, I do like the story. There's a lot going for this. I only wanted to point out things that a reader would find lacking, as such I gave you my objective opinion. I hope you found this review helpful, and I thank you for sharing the writing. I hope to see more of it and see how it develops.     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You last responded to this review 02/22/2025 @ 8:22am EST