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 Review #4801537 |
 | Like a Hummingbird  [18+] Frank wants to lose weight. The metabolism booster, Hot Blooded, seems to be the answer.  |
| Like a Hummingbird Review By Prier Summary The story "Like a Hummingbird" follows Frank, an obese man desperate to lose weight while combating unrelenting cold and a sluggish metabolism. Frustrated by his diet's ineffectiveness, Frank stumbles upon a seductive online advertisement for a product called "Hot Blooded," which promises rapid weight loss and warmth through a faster metabolism. Upon taking the pills, Frank experiences extreme hunger akin to that of a hummingbird, allowing him to gorge on food while shedding pounds at an alarming rate. His overheated body and temper spiral out of control even as the weight melts away. At a doctor's visit, despite having achieved significant weight loss, his dangerously elevated body temperature and heart condition lead to a fatal heart attack. In his final moments, Frank takes solace in having achieved the weight loss he'd so desperately sought. Grammar and Spelling Errors The text is well-written, with clean grammar and spelling overall. However, a few minor issues could be addressed: 1. Inconsistent use of italics for emphasis: - Example: "Right. Willpower. That's the ticket." - Italics might improve clarity and tone. 2. Wordiness in some places: - Example: "The furnace kicked in and a gust of air sent chills prickling down his body." - Could be trimmed for a tighter, more concise sentence. 3. Minor stylistic redundancy: - Example: "Frank frowned. That thing about hummingbirds sounded scientific." - The repetition of "Frank frowned" in close proximity could be rephrased to avoid monotony. Constructive Criticism 1. Tone and pacing: The narrative effectively builds up Frank's frustration and desperation but falters slightly in maintaining consistent pacing toward the climax. The transition between his weight loss journey, growing hunger, and ultimate tragedy feels slightly rushed toward the end. 2. Character development: While Frank's physical and emotional struggle is clear, his inner life lacks depth. His motivations beyond external pressures (e.g., health concerns, and societal expectations) could be explored more for greater empathy and dimensionality. 3. Ending impact: The climactic heart attack ending feels predictable and could use a more unexpected or thought-provoking conclusion. Frank's seeming contentment in death contrasts with his earlier frustrations, and this narrative shift isn’t fully fleshed out. Suggestions for Improvement (Ordered by Importance) 1. Title: Consider revising the title to something more evocative or thematic like "Hummingbird Inferno." This ties in the hummingbird metabolism metaphor and the physical overheating Frank experiences. 2. Enhancing Frank's inner world: Add brief internal monologues or memories about his struggles with weight and how they affect his self-image or relationships. This would make his decision to try "Hot Blooded" more compelling and relatable. 3. Streamlining sentences: Trim redundant or overly descriptive passages to achieve a more minimalist, snappy style. - Example: "He snatched up his clothes, dressed, and stormed into the kitchen to check the thermostat." - Could be shortened to: "He threw on his clothes and checked the thermostat." 4. Improving the climax and conclusion: Make Frank’s epiphany or transformation in his final moments more powerful. You could add an ironic twist, such as him realizing the futility of chasing superficial goals or discovering the scam of "Hot Blooded" as he dies. This would underscore the tragedy or satire of the story more effectively. 5. Reducing word count: While the story is already within the limit, trimming the lengthy product pitch could free space for richer characterization or a more dynamic ending. Overall Quality This well-crafted short story successfully combines humor, tragedy, and a touch of irony to tackle the theme of desperation and unattainable societal ideals. The hummingbird metaphor is clever and unified with Frank's surreal demise, offering an engaging throughline. Though it could benefit from trimming, some added depth to characters, and a more impactful ending, the story already has a strong foundation. With thoughtful polish, this piece promises to leave a lasting impression on readers. Keep up the fantastic work—your humor and creativity shine through brilliantly! –Prier  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 02/21/2025 @ 8:17am EST