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 Review #4801431 |
 | Deep Sea Diver  [ASR] It's a very short one about a pondering diver in his blue depths  |
| (4.5)| Hello, I found your work while browsing the read & review section and would like to take a few minutes to share my thoughts with you. I noticed your account is 1 day old. Let me first say, welcome to writing.com! I hope you find this community as supportive and helpful as I have over these many years. I'd like to first preface this review by letting you know that I take a pretty in-depth approach to the reviewing process. As such, the comments I write may be viewed as someone with a negative opinion of your work. Please keep in mind that is not the case. I only point out what I think might require some attention, none of what I say is meant to be negative or mean-spirited. I'd also like to say that sometimes in my reviews, you may see a word with a dotted underline like this. This is an area of a sentence that I've marked for your attention. I've packed a comment in the notes that you can read by simply mousing over the word with a dotted underline. I hope that makes sense, I'm not good at explaining things. With that out of the way let's get to the review. *** Opening *** I'm generally not a fan of the massive, long-winded sentences in some openers. I'm more partial to the short and sweet tone setters: A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens ▼ Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury ▼ But what you've got works. I like it. It's a bit of a flex in terms of your grammatical ability but hey, nothing wrong with that. I would like to say however, it could do with a few less words.  I am here in four walls at the expense of the ocean, my cage becoming my freedom; because if I were dead and mangled, I would never be able to see anything the ocean could ever offer.That's a whammer of a sentence! 36 words. Scriptura Gigas! I like what the sentence does though. I like the mood you're setting but some of this could be packed a little tighter while still making the same point.  I am here in four walls at the expense of the ocean, my cage becoming my freedom; because if I were dead and mangled, I would never see anything the ocean could offer.It's only minor, but removing just a few words can arrive at the same point. Personally, and I'm in the minority, I don't mind big sentences, but there's a desire in modern literature to 'get on with it.' Just a caution. *** Style and Voice *** I am here in four walls at the expense of the ocean, my cage becoming my freedom; because if I were dead and mangled, I would never be able to see anything the ocean could ever offer.I mentioned above that your opening is pretty enormous. While I like the mood, I think the entire clockwork of the imagination could be better oiled with a different structuring and a removal of the gerund phrase and passive voicing. Taking into account the suggested structure above I'd offer this stylistic suggestion: I am here in four walls at the expense of the ocean. My cage is my freedom because if I were dead and mangled, I would never see anything the ocean could offer.This makes the point a little more direct by simply removing the gerund phrase, which contributes a bit of a dull undertone to the sentence. It also delivers your opener quicker with the first sentence. Now again, that's up to you, I think what you have is solid. Just stylistically I think sometimes less is more. This is however, your writing, if you like it, then so be it. You're after all the artist here. These are only suggestions. The cage rattles.I don't really know why, but this is a really good shock to the system while I'm reading. Nice. Confronted with depths the heart tends to contrict a little, but it just makes it beat a little harder...It's a nice sentence but a little wordy, though there's a dogmatic view to adverbs being somewhat of a literary pariah, I think sometimes they do a splendid job (not often though) Confronted with depths the heart tends to contract a little, but it merely beats harder...This takes out the wordiness and accomplishes the same delivery. Just be careful with adverbs, 9 times out of 10, there's a better word, but that 1 time in 10, its the perfect word. *** Grammar *** Confronted with depths the heart tends to... *** Typos *** ...its dark is the quiet rest of an exploration that is feels more like rediscovery.Not sure how you wanted to word this, but either that feels or that is is probably what you meant to type? Confronted with depths the heart tends to contrict a little....known to someone who would never wanted to know. *** Ending *** Definitely not how I saw the end coming. I liked it. Another good shock to the system. *** Summary *** This was a splendid piece of artwork! Markedly reminiscent of the transcendentalism movement in the early and mid 1800s. Existential and serene through its entirety. I found myself sinking into a comfortable abyss while reading this. Emotionally this does a magnificent job at captivating the reader. It hits similar in its presentation to the literary greats of that time like Ralph Waldo Emerson and Walt Whitman. I would say, there's a lot of repetitive words that some might find distracting, but the more I read the more I started to believe that this was a deliberate style choice of the author, and in my opinion, it worked well. This is lovely writing. Maybe a little philosophical for some, but for me, this is my cup of tea, and you did a magnificent job! Thank you for sharing it, and I hope to see more of you work. Welcome again to writing.com! I'll be watching for you.     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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