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 Review #4801199 |
 | Left Behind: A Personal Story.  [13+] This is my life story, Hard to share. But I'm willing to engage. Have a good day. :)  |
| (3.5)| Hello there, I noticed your writing under the Read a Newbie Section on my homepage. The title was intriguing, so here I am. I'd like to extend my welcome to you before we get going. I hope you find this site and community as helpful as I have over these many years.Before I get into the review, I'd like to preface this with a bit of information as to my review style. I take a pretty in-depth approach to reviewing, so it may appear that I'm really picking something apart. Please understand, even if the comments come across as negative or even mean-spirited, that is not at all my intention. I'm only offering you my thoughts and I hope that they can help you understand the perspective of a reader. I'd like to add that sometimes in some of my reviews you will see words with a dotted underline like this. This a section of a sentence that I've marked for your attention. There is a comment packed in that you can read by mousing over the word that has been underlined. I hope I've explained that well enough for you, I'm not very good at explaining things. With all that out of the way, let's get to the review. *** Opening *** I have to say I really like the start to this. Very cool. It has a nice rhythm and is an intriguing hook to your story. I would however, consider a minor stylistic change to it. I think this could be accomplished with one sentence, no need for the period there, but if you're keen on the pause for tonal purposes, perhaps consider an — {emdash} Really though, that's a solid start regardless of whether or not you make changes to it. *** Style and Voice *** I'm alone and it's starting to feel it will always be this way. A first person soliloquy takes some bravery. It's hard to write without it droning on. While what I marked above seems real insignificant, keeping a reader's attention through a reflection like this is accomplished easier by reducing the words that I have to wade through to see your point.  ...but from my own experience later in life. I can say it was bad.Because you haven't really addressed anyone else in this narrative, you wouldn't need to label this experience as your own, the reader already knows this. We were relocated to my grandparents in Scotland.You haven't mentioned others in this narrative, so We isn't the correct pronoun. You'd have to mention who else with you was relocated, or simply say:  I was relocated to my grandparents in Scotland. This is around the time I have my first unquestionable memories from.Technically, it isn't wrong to end a sentence in a preposition, it is however, not always accepted, personally, I don't care, but just a caution. That said this sentence is very wordy and could be restructured to read a little better. This is around the time my first unquestionable memories appear.A simple restructuring like this gets the point across easier and with less words. It would be silly for me to copy the entire thing, but there is a large chunk in paragraph 6 that switches to present tense and then goes back to past tense. ...stress and anxiety to the point of those symptoms ...There's no reference to any symptoms in the narrative thus far, you'd have to establish for the reader what symptoms these are. ...value in this world I was born out of. I'd suggest restructuring this for less wordiness and a better impact. ...value in this world which I was born.He had always had a gambling addiction, but this very strange relationship formed.The past perfect tense and the usage of the demonstrative pronoun this makes the sentence a little confusing. I'd consider a restructure like this: He always had a gambling addiction, but a strange relationship formed.This removes the wordiness and makes the sentence more direct. It also removes the adverb very which I find to be of all adverbs, the least useful one. If I may quote John Keating from 'The Dead Poets Society:' ▼ I accepted with giddy , It felt as if I was joining the club.*** Grammar *** I believe I have a memory of this time period, it's of my mother.This is known as a comma splice—joining two independent clauses together with a comma when they are actually themselves, separate and complete sentences. Because of the tone and style of your writing, you could replace it with a period, but I would recommend, though fallen out of fashion, a semi-colon. I believe I have a memory of this time period; it's of my mother.I can't definitively describe the environment of that home, but from my own experience later in life. I can say it was bad.A few times in my life, social workers have made inexplicable decisions, I hope it's just pure incompetence rather than something malicious. But sometimes it feels malicious.Couple of things that I mentioned in the popnotes, but a reformatting of the entirety of this would work better: A few times in my life, social workers have made inexplicable decisions. I hope it's just pure incompetence rather than something malicious, but sometimes it feels malicious.The police did come, we were returned to our grandparents.These 2 independent clauses need to be joined with the conjunction and or separated by either a period or semi-colon. We were told stories of sexual abuse, glass in the food. And people disappearing*** Typos *** I've developed into a multi faceted person, one of high passion.But within that mix of self, There is a lot of internal strifeI've only ever seen him a few times since this. This highly effected us, my older brother especially.Common mistake but effect is a noun, affect is a verb. I was young, but I remember how scared I was here. Unless you and I are standing in that place, here is not the correct preposition. ...and other flashes of us in strangers houses.And I believe they seriously effected the development of my young mind.I think mainly due to my mothers interference.Then my mother would do what she would {popnote:"does.}do....I saw what used to be my mothers *** Ending *** This isn't the true ending, but it ended in a place that actually made me angry at the scene. If I could score it based on emotional response its a 10/10 *** Summary *** You poured a lot into this writing, and it shows. This a real emotional ride for a reader and I'm guessing this was not something that was easy for you to write. I know it might seem like I really hung it out to dry, but I wanted to maintain this review from the perspective of an objective reader. This was visceral. Truly. Honestly, I feel for you. I want to give you a hug. Your testimony here really hit home so emotionally, but it could hit even harder. It truly cries that the agony of life is a constant action and reaction to events and circumstance. I dare to call it marvelous, considering the content of the writing, but what you achieved in writing this is nothing short of marvelous. I don't know where this is going to go as you've alluded to a 2nd part to this, but from what I've read, you've got some real tenacity to have made it to writing this. I admire you for that. Thank you for sharing this, it was a privilege to read it.     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 02/19/2025 @ 11:52am EST