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 Review #4800837 |
 | The New Woman  [E] Minutes before her wedding, the bride makes an important call.  |
| (3.5)| Hello, I found this writing while I was browsing the Read & Review section and I'd like to take a few minutes to offer you my thoughts. I'd like to mention that I noticed you have just joined writing.com today and for that I'd like to extend to you my warmest welcome. I hope you find this site and its community as helpful as I have over these many years. I'd like to preface this review by mentioning, I go pretty in-depth. This might be somewhat jarring, as some folks don't generally expect such a thorough analysis. Bear in mind that while what I say may come across as negative, I don't at all intend it as such and only desire to offer you my own thoughts as a reader. It's my goal to help in what way I can in bringing to light what some may see as shortcomings in a writing. None of the comments are meant to be mean-spirited. You'll notice in this review, some of the words will have a dotted underline beneath them like this . This is an area of a sentence that I marked for your attention. I've packed a comment in it that can be read by simply mousing over the dotted underlined word. Hopefully that makes sense, I'm not great at explaining that. With that said, lets get to the meat of this. *** Opening *** For starters, I'm a bit confused by the entirety of the writing in relation to the opening. I'm not sure if this is a funeral and a wedding, or the memory of a funeral before a wedding. There's simply nothing to separate them. That said, I'd like to bring to light that the opening falls a little flat. The opening line is your one and usually only chance at hooking a reader to continue reading. There's nothing in the opening line to leave me with the desire to continue to read. While the entirety of the open paragraph is good and reflective, and sets a solid tone and mood to the narrator of your story, I'd consider rethinking that first line. The greatest opening lines in stories implore you to keep going. A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens ▼ The Crow Road by Iain Banks ▼ One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey ▼ Lines like these grab your attention. Look at your opening and ask yourself, what about this makes someone want to read more? That's the art of the opening line, and probably, at least in my opinion the biggest challenge of a writer. *** Style and Voice *** I'd like to mention that the main character to this story is nameless, only being referred to as 'NW.' I don't mind a bit of mystery in a character at all, and in a lot of circumstances and can add a lot to a writing, but as I read, reciting 'NW' really trips me up. This could just be me, but I felt it worth mentioning. I think even just a first name could contribute a lot more to this character.  NW wondered what she would have said if she’d known the last time she spoke to the Professor was in an innocuous email eight months before.I get the reflective nature of this sentence, and it does evoke the emotions well but I think the way it is structured hinders its flow and impact on the reader. I think it's also worth pointing out that an email wouldn't really constitute speaking, as that would be over a phone call or conversation. I'd consider moving the 8 months prior earlier in the sentence to drive home to the reader the span of time it has been.  NW wondered what she would have said eight months ago had she known that innocuous email would be their last exchange.A format like this removes some of the wordiness and adds her reflection of the time that has past, to the front of the line which evokes more engagement with the reader. She’d meant to reach out again, especially after hearing that the cancer had returned with a vengeance. It just hadn’t worked out. Other than the little correction in red, this is a terrific emotional set of statements. Very relatable. Well done! It rang almost six times.This is a bit of an odd sentence. Almost six, in terms of telephone rings is five. To keep the reader's head into the reality of the scene, something like this can be pretty distracting. I'd simply reword this to say: It rang five times.I'd like to point out the dialogue over the phone feels very natural, and kind of distant, like the conversation between two people not on the best of terms. This is really well-crafted. *** Grammar *** I found no blaring errors in grammar. *** Typos *** ...she pulled out her phone and dialleddialed that horrible number. ...and her disabilityinability to describe hers to one therapist. *** Ending *** Pretty distinct turn-around from the beginning. I like it but as I mentioned before, this feels a little disjointed to the opening part of the narrative. *** Summary *** The tone of the narrative is reflective and melancholy, but it ends on a more positive note. Ups and downs like this are a solid way to engage the reader by pulling at their heartstrings, for that I think you've done well. There's some issues with the flow and continuity of the writing as a whole. I think I get what it's trying to do, but there needs to be a clear division between the reflection of the character to the next act of the scene, otherwise it distracts the reader. I'll say again I think the conversation was very well done, I liked that a lot. Overall I think its a good backbone to a solid, emotional piece of dramatic writing. With some polishing this could be great. Thank you for sharing it, and again, welcome to writing.com.     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 02/18/2025 @ 10:03pm EST