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 Review #4800764 |
 | Trust me not!  [E] Vulnerability is the biggest enemy of trust  |
| (3.5)| Hello again, you've asked me to have another look at the items in your portfolio, and here I am to keep my word. I will again preface this review as I have the last one, I've read this writing in its entirety before writing this. So if any of my comments appear to be negative, that is not at all my intention, I'm only here to help bring to light areas of the writing that I think could use some attention. This is going to be a fairly in-depth review, so the comments you'll see might seem not-so-great, but I assure you, the things I see are simply areas that stand out to me as a reader. They don't diminish the emotion that your writing evokes which you've done that remarkably well. I want to mention you will see certain words with a dotted underline like this . This is a point of a sentence that requires some attention, and I've packed in a comment that you can read by simply mousing over the word that has the dotted underline. I hope I explained that well enough, I'm not very good at explaining things. With that said, I'd like to again welcome you to writing.com and I hope to see more of you around the community! Now that we've got that out of the way, let's get the review started. *** Opening *** You've got a mouthful of a sentence here. 37 words! That's a pretty big bite to take in right off the bat. Your opening line is the one and only shot you have at grabbing the reader's imagination and imploring them to read more. That said, and this is only an opinion, I find the best hooks and openers are done with few words. At least for me, this primes the imagination to want to finish the set-up that was constructed by these opening lines. Some examples of this: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey ▼ Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury ▼ The Tale of Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo ▼  Hopping with joy all over the cage, the little white puppy was ready to play, he had many visitors but none was ready to play as for them the white pup was a burden without a leg.Granted, I love the setup, but it needs to take its time and breathe a little. This is a LOT for a reader to take in in the very beginning and could best be managed by breaking it into smaller chunks.  Hopping with joy all over the cage, the little white puppy was ready to play. This is more than enough for the opener to set a tone and get a reader excited before you smash it with the next couple of lines, which to be honest I like that the overall exposition of the puppy 180's almost immediately. Thats a neat literary mechanic you've done. The bits that I've underlined are areas that kind of fall on themselves due to the wording. was is the wrong 'to be' form in the context of the sentence. as for them isn't quite right in the big picture of the sentence and would require a cause and reason conjunction such as becauseHe had many visitors but none were ready to play because for them, without a leg the little white pup was a burden.This format of the sentence flows a little easier, but more importantly the last section that you mention burden without a leg suggests that the burden has no leg rather than the puppy. In the format I've done the Puppy has no leg and therefore IS a burden. Granted, I understand what you're saying in the sentence so this is only a suggestion to make it easier on the readers. *** Style and Voice *** Phew! That was a lot to take in I imagine. Sorry about that. I will mention in it's format, the entirety of the opening reads in a passive voice. For me at least, this isn't an issue because it sets what I think to be the right tone for the scene. Others are not so open-minded about active and passive voice so I've decided to mention it. Passive voice in the easiest explanation generally gives emphasis to the predicate verb rather than to the subject noun. Generally this happens because the action acts upon the subject rather than the subject performing the action. Hopping with joy all over the cage, the little white puppy was ready to play.In this format the verb (action) is acting on the noun (subject) The little white puppy was ready to play as he hopped all over the cage.In this format the noun (subject) is performing the action (verb) Again like I said, to me, I think what you have is perfectly fine, as it sets a tone, but I wanted to caution you as there is a near dogmatic point of view that all passive voice is bad. To me, this is an imperfect understanding of literary mechanics, but be careful you don't use passive voice too much, as it does get to be a rather flat read. With that said, there's a line that could use some attention: One day our pup had a visitor who decided to take him home but the pleasure quickly faded away when he started the angry abuse.This sentence hits hard. Real hard. It makes me feel for this little fella, but the note I've mentioned above needs some attention. This tells rather than shows. Show me the pleasure. Think of how a dog acts when it is excited: Wags its tail Rears up Does that weird run in a circle hop thing that my stupid dog does These will show the reader the pleasure the dog feels. It will slow the pace of your story down a bit, but sometimes the reader needs a breath of fresh air. This again will also contribute to the high-low method of delivery in your writing that you've captured so well. Days passed and our pup was grown up to be thin, all skin and bones with all the beatings he had to his face. There's 2 comments to make with this sentence other than the note above. What I underlined is a bit of unnecessary wordiness. If the puppy is skin and bones, you don't need to tell me he's thin. Because of the ending to this sentence, rather than mentioning the puppy is thin which only really adds unnecessary weight to the statement that he's skin and bones, and does nothing to the statement about his beatings, a better adjective could be used to modify both clauses: Days passed, and our pup was grown up to be ragged, all skin and bones with all the beatings he had to his face.The other issue here is the entire sentence is telling rather than showing. Show me how the puppy looks. Skin and bones though I see it, is really lacking what my imagination could be seeing. You'd see his ribs, you'd see every joint in his body, he'd be weak, he'd be sickly. All of these will elicit emotions from your reader and really paint a better picture. Don't however, simply say the things I've listed otherwise you'd be back to telling vs. showing. Think of this narrative as what Max Griffin 🏳️🌈  likes to call a guided dream.A fine day with little less misery for our dog came in quite a while.I'm not quite sure what is going on in this sentence but the last bits of it aren't needed. The mood set with it is good, but the dog needs to be in the forefront for it to work. I'd suggest a restructure such as this: A fine day came for the dog when there was a little less misery.This flows a bit better for the reader, but it also keeps the tone you've done. It was a little girl with cookies in her hands, she stretched her arm and offered to our dog a bite. There's a couple issues here. First, this is a comma splice wherein you're connecting to independent clauses with a comma. This Isn't too big a deal and could be fixed with a period, but I'd consider this more of a style thing than a grammar thing as it's a bit wordy and can be condensed without taking away from the scene: It was a little girl with cookies in her outstretched hand.This offers the reader the same picture without all the extra wordiness. *** Grammar *** Some grammatical errors, one I mentioned above in the opening section: was and as for them Scared & tired with the blows our dog decided to run away, now when he became a stray life still wasn't kind to it.Couple things here, I love the setup with this sentence, but a lot of it is conflicting with itself due to its format. What I marked in red should be better structured and separated from the idea that the puppy is also tired. If you were getting beaten, of course you'd be scared, but the beatings wouldn't make you tired I don't think. Scared from the blows and tired, the dog decided to run away, but when he became a stray, life still wasn't kind.This emphasizes that the beatings are making the puppy scared, but he is also tired (not from the beatings). It also removes the implication that the narrator is part of the abuse by replacing our with the. That said the entire sentence could be further condensed to read as impactful without the wordiness of from the blows. You've already established this previously in the story so unless there's a new condition making the puppy scared, then it's actually not contributing anything to the sentence that the reader doesn't already know. Scared and tired, the dog decided to run away, but when he became a stray, life still wasn't kind.This accomplishes the same delivery, only with less words and because of this, it hits harder due to the reader not having to wade through context that they don't need. *** Typos *** Strangers would beat him and the kids would throughthrow rocks....ran away as far as it cancould...*** Ending *** I want to say, this was not at all the ending I was expecting. I really like that! A surprise compared to what I was predicting is an excellent way to put a cherry on top of your writing. Very well done. *** Summary *** I want to mention you utilize a style in your sentencing that is very effective. You start a lot of your sentences on a high note, eliciting a more happy or pleasant emotion, and end them with a low note, pulling on empathy and sadness. This works very well to your advantage, and keeps the reader engaged on an emotional level. I'd highly encourage you to keep developing that stylistic approach because it works great! There's a good few things in the writing that I think could use some attention, but man does it pull at the heartstrings hard, and never really lets go. I really felt for this little guy, and sadly I think this is likely an all-too-common situation for many animals. This story evokes a lot of emotion in a reader. With some refinement, this could really hit someone pretty hard. There were patterns in some of the items I've listed for your attention such as telling vs. showing. and passive vs. active voice, so I've included a couple of articles to help better understand what I mean when I mention it. Granted, as I said before, in the context of the story, I think the voice you used was spot on! Should you however, wish to utilize a more active voicing in this or other writings in the future I decided to include it.
This is an article written by an author that I consider to be one of the very best on writing.com. He really knows his way around what makes a narrative engaging for a reader.
This is a good, quick article discussing active and passive voice in a method that makes it easy to understand. Thanks again for sharing this writing, and for the invite to further review your work, I was honored. I look forward to seeing more of you on the site and I hope you find this review helpful. Keep on writing!     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 02/17/2025 @ 10:55am EST