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Review #4796688
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Lane 96 Open in new Window. [13+]
A short story about a mysterious highway in the middle of nowhere.
by Ricardo Pomalaza Author Icon
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#4796688
Review of Lane 96  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Greetings, Ricardo!

Nice to meet you. This story was an interesting step into Twilight Zone surrealism. You have a good descriptive style, setting up the scene and arranging the circumstances in an amusingly strange and mysterious way.

I appreciate the nice large font you've used; it comes through even on mobile. Size 4 Verdana is my favorite.

I have a couple minor suggestions and then some larger points to make. First, the idea of a road "looming" in the opening sentence seems a bit off. Roads stretch, weave, even maybe "yawn," but since the road is not actively coming towards you, I'm not sure you can say it "looms." Now I'm thinking of the Imagine Dragons album Loom and what the lead singer said explaining why he chose that name. Perhaps it's ok after all *Pthb* in which case it's quite creative of you *Smile*

Second super simple typo is brakes/breaks. Brakes are for cars and are the kind you're looking for.

Another typo I just noticed is the sentence which begins "Jumping out of it’s way..." The word should be "its," and the entire sentence is a dangling modifier.

Now, a larger point would be... The story kind of rambles. I mean, the beginning and middle don't particularly lead us to the end. It's a surprise, of course, as we are absorbed in Brian's thoughts about his family, but by the time the story is over we realize all of his familial ruminations were unrelated to anything else. Ultimately, it feels like it lacks a theme or an overarching thought, perhaps even being disjointed. I'm not exactly sure what to suggest here... Maybe if the aunt had mentioned something about a mirage in the woods, it would help tie things together and foreshadow what happens next.

Other than that, this is a pretty interesting tale with potential to be a lot more of a thriller if you look it over with a fresh perspective.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*


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