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 Review #4795857 |
 | Welcome To My Nightmare  [ASR] Entry for the "13" writing activity  |
| (4.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: I participated in the “13” contest as well, so when I saw your entries in your port, I had to take a look. This one was my favourite prompt and I was curious what you did with it. I must admit that I didn’t see the twist coming. I thought perhaps the new girl, who seemed quite confident, would teach Shelly to stand up to her bullies, and in a way, she did, only not how I had expected. The main character was well drawn. I felt for her from the start, first when she lost her best friend and then when she became the target for the mean girls. Her emotions were quite obvious, although, had the story been longer, you could have shown them a bit more in her reactions, maybe had her crying herself to sleep or something along those lines. But I realise the deadlines for the challenge were quite tough so you might not have had time to write more, and most readers will be able to infer how she felt.  Suggestions: I have a few small suggestions: Lunchtime was the worst, even the few friends she had left had long drifted to other tables. I’m no expert but I believe that’s a comma splice, where two independent clauses are joined by a comma. It needs either a semicolon or a period instead of the comma. she had half the book read I think the sentence would work better if you changed the word order: “she had read half the book” sit with the rest of girls There seems to be a word missing, “the rest of the girls”. she changed into Tiffany. and Tiffany, who had just walked in, changed into her. I’m not sure if you meant these two sentences to be one, in which case you need to get rid of the period, or two, in which case you need to start the second one with a capital letter in “And”. Personally, I think the first option would work better.  Final Thoughts: When you first revealed what was happening to the girls, I wondered how you would tackle the issue of the readers being able to identify which girl was which. You didn’t seem to struggle with that at all, and I liked your solution of referring to them like, Shelly as Tiffany . Had the story been longer, it might have got confusing, but as it was, it worked well. I also liked the character of Elaine, who seemed to be the fairy in the book or someone sent to help her and point her in the direction of the book that would change her life. It would have been nice to see Tiffany change as a result of her experience, but perhaps that would have been too much to expect. I enjoyed the read!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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A Review from: "
You responded to this review 01/19/2025 @ 7:36pm EST