As Far As I Know [E] Kay's habit of saying "not as far as I know" makes trouble for her. |
Hey Kermit, Thanks for sharing your work! Please note that my review as a reader and writer is just one person's point of view; you know your work best, so you can decide what to take and what to leave. Overall Takeaway An amusing concept for a story that could be more effective if developed further. Structure/Plot The setup is basic but entertaining: Kay reflexively says with “not as far as I know” in response to pretty much any question, which leads to a situation that’s uncomfortable for her and funny for the reader. The story is straightforward in presenting this line and escalating the situation. By her final line, all I could think was “Don’t say it, you dummy,” in full knowledge that she was going to. I think J would have appreciated one more setup question before the police car shows up, though, partly because… Characters …the characters are not super well fleshed out. Who are Kay and Jay to each other, for one? (And those rhyming names are perhaps a little on the nose.) This is a flash fiction story, at least for the moment, but only a few extra words can develop the characters further. If they’re siblings, for example, Jay could open with “Are we going to get home in time? You know how strict Mom is about curfew.” If they’re mother and child, Kay could respond to Jay’s original question with something like “Not as far as I know, honey. It’s important to be patient.” In any case, the dialogue can tell us their relationship without you having to spell it out for us, and one additional “Not as far as I know” could provide an opportunity to do so. It’s also unclear how Jay feels about Kay’s habit, which feels like it should be relevant when the cops show up. To give an example, the part later in the story could read: While they waited, Jay asked her, "Did you do something wrong?" Kay answered, "Not as far as I know.” Jay smacked his forehead. “I swear, if you say that again to the cop—“ The policeman knocked on her window and Kay rolled it down. "Do you have any drugs in your car?" Detail You could achieve a similar effect by adding small details to the characters. To me, this feels like a piece that should rely on dialogue, but I want to acknowledge physical appearance could play a part in fleshing Kay and Jay out if you so choose. I do also think that additional action tags could convey the characters’ moods: some sighs, some rolling of eyes, some tapping of fingers, etc. The detail in the setting is sparse, not going any further than stoplight colors and direction of roads. For something this short where setting isn’t the main point, I think that’s just fine. Writing Beyond the addition of a few action words, I would also encourage you to consider some variety in how you present dialogue. Every line of dialogue is preceded by the character, and the lack of variety makes the writing feel a little stilted by the end. Flipping the order of just the first two dialogue tags (e.g., “Will we be home in time?” Jay asked) alone would help quite a bit. There are a few editing issues as well, specifically: periods should go inside quotation marks, police and policeman should be lowercase, and there are a few missing line breaks (e.g., after Jay’s first question). Artistic Intention I’m assuming the main intent of the story is situational comedy, and you deployed your writer’s kit pretty successfully in accomplishing that! Final thoughts Congratulations on a funny little scene! If you end up making any edits, feel free to let me know and I’m happy to re-review. I see this is the only story in your portfolio so far, and I’m excited to see what you write next! Write on, —Andrew My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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