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Review #4784892
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Greetings, Lee, and thank you for requesting a review on your new writing.

I'd like to take a moment to address the AI thing. I'm proud of you for hammering this item out on your own and posting it here, errors and all. I understand the temptation to use ChatGPT to make a polished story to your specifications, especially when you struggle with dyslexia, but it's not a good idea to lean on AI in the long run. You won't be able to get by in college that way; nowadays everything is run through plagiarism and AI detectors, and it's considered cheating. Even here, it isn't allowed to enter contests with stories composed by the AI.

Around here, most people are quite generous when it comes to grammar errors; they're willing to praise the plots and themes and ignore what could be seen as sloppy writing. The more serious people are sticklers, though.

But take heart: "sloppy" writing is nothing that can't be easily fixed! Everyone, even the most skilled authors, has to proofread their first drafts. Once you have your story on paper, you can go through it with a trusted friend or elder, perhaps a professional tutor, and have them help you smooth out the most jarring mistakes. Or, you can paste it into Google Docs or Microsoft Word, and they will underline potential corrections to make. I would recommend the free version of Grammarly, but then we're getting into subjective territory; many of the suggestions Grammarly makes are more stylistic than corrective.

You have a good vocabulary; I would never have thought of calling my bad grammar and spelling "diabolical." And this story shows you have a bright imagination. There are many famous and successful people who are dyslexic; I know a man who had dyslexia so bad he had to have his wife read his college textbooks to him. Heaven knows how he wrote his papers; I assume she was crucial in the editing process. But he graduated, got his PhD and started his own online college.

I'll go through some basics of storytelling that I've learned from my mentors.

The first thing is setting; I'm thinking you should take a moment at the beginning of the story to slow down and set the scene a little better. You could describe how great of a gardener the grandad is by showing us the thriving plants and the quantity of harvest, rather than simply saying "the greatest gardener in the world." This would lay a groundwork, a foreshadowing of the alien's request to come and give them seeds.

Then, you need to ensure cause comes before effect: if someone reacts to something they see, you need to describe what it is they see before they react, like it would be in a movie, so we can react as well, if that makes sense.

Each new line of dialogue needs a space, as well, and dialogue should always be capitalized inside the quotation marks.

You can use the framework of "goals, stakes and obstacles" to arrange your story in a certain direction so it makes sense. The kids and their grandad have the goal of getting home safely, the stakes are high if they don't - they could get struck by lightning out there - and the obstacles should be more clear, such as describing the pouring rain making it difficult to see to get back.

Then, of course, there's the moment when they realize the threat has followed them inside via the TV. That ups the tension and creates a new obstacle to the goal of safety. The grandpa gets character development because he defends the kids by simply turning off the TV. Perhaps there could be a greater obstacle to this easy fix. What if the battery died in the remote? That would give an opportunity for a longer item.

And of course, I always like to think of what happens next after the story is over. What becomes of that TV? Can you wrap in some of the ideas from the AI story into this one to make it longer? Just a fun thought. Your premise leaves lots of room for sequels.

This was a fun read; it needs a bit of standard housekeeping (basic editing and proofreading) to make it easier to read, but your idea is great, and I'm glad you want to honor your own grandpa with a story featuring you and your family.

I hope this has been of some help for you. Never give up practicing and writing in your own words. You'll only get better at it!

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*


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