%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4784070 |
 | The End of a Circle  [E] A mysteries old man eases a families concerns about 2012  |
| (3.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: This was quite an uplifting story despite the somewhat gloomy subject - the end of the world that was supposed to happen in 2012 (I had actually forgotten all about it, it was that long ago!) and a bunch of people’s reactions to it. We have a family of four who go for a walk and are faced first with a doom-monger who tells them the end is nigh, and then by an old man who takes a more measured approach. In fact, he doesn’t tell them what is going to happen or what they should do, but he makes them think. In the end, the family discusses what each of them took from the conversation with the man, and it seems that they all feel a bit happier than before. You told the whole story in present tense, which isn’t easy to do, and you didn’t slip up (at least not that I noticed). That’s quite impressive! I find it’s a hard tense to write in and I keep slipping into past tense (I even have that problem in my reviews).  Suggestions: I spotted a handful of minor errors: Mr. and Mrs. Jones, and there eight year old twins You need ‘their’, the possessive form of the third-person plural pronoun 'they', meaning 'belonging to them'. ‘There’ is a place  leafs do not look as green ‘leaves’ yelling of all who pass ‘at all’ Once they regain there composure Again, it should be ‘their’. the doomsday profit I think that was meant to say ‘prophet’? “In my experience, that that is seldom changes and the truth often differs with one’s perspective.” I struggled with this sentence and had to read it several times. I wonder if it would work a little better if you replaced the second ‘that’ with ‘which’ - ‘that which is seldom changes’. What have seen There seems to be a word missing: ‘What have you seen’ I have seen thing no longer be as they were ‘things’, plural. go in on ear and out the other ‘one ear’ A lot of the story is told in dialogue which, in my opinion, didn’t sound very realistic. When the members of the family spoke to each other and to the old man, it sounded a little stilted, and I couldn’t imagine this conversation taking place. Maybe it would work better if you added a few more dialogue tags. For example here: “How can something be true for one person, but not another, sir?” If you described how this line was said, the readers would be able to imagine it better. Make the speaker huff, chuckle, toss a glance over their shoulder at the family and roll their eyes, raise a curious eyebrow - anything to bring that line (and others) to life would help. You had an image in your head when you wrote this but it is not coming across in those lines of conversation.  Final Thoughts: The story ended rather abruptly but I think you had said everything you needed to say. The family had the chance to think about what they had been told and come to a conclusion how they wanted to handle the ‘end of the world’ scare. I found the idea of the story very interesting, and the advice of the old man was thought provoking. A good read!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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