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Review #4782029
Viewing a review of:
 White Lies Open in new Window. [E]
A young boy facing hardships yet able to find peace in a world of greed.
by Rani Author Icon
Review of White Lies  Open in new Window.
Review by WriterRick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
This story has a strong emotional core, and the imagery is vivid. The opening line sets the mood perfectly with the description of the night sky and frost-kissed petals, giving a magical, yet cold and lonely atmosphere. You quickly feel for the boy, as he's an outcast with no warmth in his life, both physically and emotionally. The setting adds to this feeling of isolation, with the contrast between the boy’s cold, lonely existence and the warmth and happiness inside the aristocrats' homes.

One thing that stands out is the way you describe the boy’s struggle. His frost-bitten hands and feet, the desperate search for shelter, and even his encounter with the baker all bring to life the hardships he faces. You can feel his desperation, and the baker, despite his gruff exterior, adds a tiny glimmer of hope with the bread and scarf, even if he’s still charging the boy. It makes for a realistic touch that people can still show a hint of kindness, even in a harsh world.

The introduction of the puppy is a lovely turn. It feels like a small ray of hope or companionship for the boy, though he is wary at first. The boy's reluctance to trust, and then his eventual acceptance of the puppy, parallels his emotional journey—he’s used to being let down and mistreated, so he struggles to accept kindness, even in the form of an animal. The puppy becomes a symbol of warmth and innocence that contrasts with the cruelty he has experienced.

The ending feels bittersweet. There's a dreamlike quality to the boy waking up in a warm bed, being cared for by a mysterious woman who names him Cassius. You leave it unclear whether this is reality or a fantasy he drifted into as he succumbed to the cold. It adds a layer of melancholy but also a sense of peace. The boy's suffering seems to end, but it’s unclear if this is truly a happy ending or a sad one masked by kindness and comfort.

Some feedback:

You could tighten up the pacing a bit. At times, the story lingers too long on descriptions or internal thoughts that could be more concise. This would keep the emotional impact sharper.
The dialogue between the boy and the puppy could use some tweaking to make it feel more natural. While the boy's reluctance to trust the dog is clear, his repeated statements to "go away" could be softened to reflect a bit more conflict or emotion within him.
The woman at the end could use a little more depth. She feels somewhat one-dimensional, serving as a deus ex machina to rescue the boy, which weakens the emotional punch slightly.
Overall, you’ve created a touching narrative that explores themes of loneliness, survival, and kindness. With a little more refinement, especially in pacing and dialogue, it can become even stronger.

WriterRick (WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group)

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