Hello DRSmith .

Thank you for entering What If during the rounds back in August. I appreciated the entry and hope that you enjoyed the challenge of coming up with a story based off the prompts.


First Impression: You have a well written story that shows intelligence and strength in vocabulary. This is something that will really work well for some but there are other readers that will struggle to read the story or build an interest in the characters. It has aspects that grab interest or have potential in the range of the conflict with the variety of character details that are provided but I will admit that I had a difficult time, as a character based reader, to get through things.

Prompt: Thank you for posting the prompt at the bottom to explain how this relates to the contest and the inspiration that helped to influence the story. A day to remember can certainly include a bagel... I might need one tomorrow but that's an odd reaction, lol. Anyways, it worked in regards to the prompt for the contest, which made for a qualifying entry in a round that had 3 entries.

Characters/Story: There is potential in the realm for both, story and characters. You do a good job in adding interesting details about a character without it becoming too much or seeming like a the typical list of features. There are elements that do speak to issues and conflict, which not all writers posting new stories on the site have in their items. So, I did appreciate the issues presented between the mob news story and the walking conversation.

The difficulty I had in the beginning of the story is that it doesn't grab my attention in a way that make me care about a main character. I'm very much a character focused reader/writer, even though I don't do as well in providing details over said characters so I can learn from writers like you on that front. It does seem like Mr. Crippen is the main character but I don't get pulled into his world in enough way to care that much about what is happening. It can be an interesting read just might not be the story for me.


Other Notes: I don't have anything technical to discuss with the story. Nothing glares out or causes a stumble in the reader for spelling, grammar or anything of that nature. As I said before, it's well written. You have a great technical front and possibly could do well in the realm of literary fiction, or that is my guess from this one story.


Thanks for your entry. Keep Writing!





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .