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 Review #4773675 |
 | The science of the supernatural  [E] A bat biologist discovers something new.  |
| (4.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: I’m glad the story didn’t end like I feared it would. About half way through, I skipped back to the top to check if one of the genres was Horror. It wasn’t, but when you described the house and the main character remembered the stories about it, I was quite sure that something terrible would happen to her when she entered. You set the scene well with the weather and the location, and the bats weren’t exactly helping - they’re not really cute animals that would make the readers feel like it would be safe to be around them. Yet, Hazel wasn’t scared, neither of the bats nor the house as she didn’t believe any of the scary tales. She didn’t even seem particularly perturbed when she encountered the strange woman in the house. The story ended rather abruptly. It’s not that it had an unfinished feel because it seemed like you had told as much of it as you had wanted to tell, but I was curious to find out more about the two women at the end.  Suggestions: This wasn’t a new story so I’m not sure if you’re still interested in editing it, but there were a number of small errors: what mattered is that The story was written in past tense but here, you switched to present tense. It should be “was” instead of “is”. flitted above of the tree-line I would probably omit the “of”; I think it would flow better that way. What attracted the bats to choose this habitat over others. That’s a question so you need a question mark at the end. most people in avoided it I wasn’t sure if you were going to mention a place name there (“people in XYZ town”). If not, you need to get rid of the “it”. thinking outloud “out loud” (two words) or “aloud”? in awe of the of the bats You have two “of the” in this sentence. everything became queit “quiet” She stopped for a moment. Her hand glued to the doorknob. There seems to be a word missing in the second sentence: “Her hand was glued…” Alternatively you could change the period to a comma and continue with a lowercase letter in “her”. she stumbled into the homes entryway You need an apostrophe in “home’s”. Then why are all the bats so calm hanging out in this room. Again, this is a question so it needs a question mark at the end. unrepentant of it’s actions You need “its” without the apostrophe. The woman approached and Hazel The “and” shouldn’t be there.  Final Thoughts: That looks like a long list, but they are all just minor errors that are easily fixed. The story was well written and the ending surprised me. I thought I had the tale figured out when I read, she rushed to the safety of the home’s front porch. Surely that was a hint that the house would be anything but safe. But you proved me wrong, and what was actually going on was a bit of a twist (at least compared to what I was expecting). I liked how you brought the story back to the beginning and the actual reason for the main character to be there, the bats. So not only did the woman pose no threat, she was actually going to help. A good story!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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