\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4773412
Review #4773412
Viewing a review of:
 
Opening night at the Delicatessen Open in new Window. [E]
Nervous moments for a Daily Flash Fiction challenge | 9/14/23 winner
by H❀pe Author Icon
Review by Tiggy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*




*PenB* First Impressions:

I had the same thought as Walter when I imagined the sign advertising HAM *Laugh* I should have guessed from the title of the story and the genres what the sign was supposed to say. You revealed it slowly - the skull, the details of the costume, and eventually the whole sign was illuminated, showing the title of the play they were going to perform.

The story was both dramatic and funny at the same time. Walter was getting more and more agitated, remembering all those hours of rehearsals trying to perfect the show, only to be let down by faulty electrics. His relief when it was all sorted made me smile when I imagined his leap in that costume. For a moment, I had the horrible feeling that he would stumble and break a leg, (literally, not figuratively) and the play would have to be cancelled, but fortunately that wasn’t what happened.

You helpfully put the prompts for the contest in bold (which might be a requirement, but still, I appreciated it) and I thought you used them very well.


*PenG* Suggestions:

The contest is long over so you might not be interested in edits, but if you are I noticed a couple of small errors:

the word HAM
There should be a period after “HAM”.


delicatessen!” he shifted
As it’s a new sentence after the speech, not a dialogue tag, it should begin with a capital letter in “He”.

Walter replied “No.” shaking his head
I think the period should be a comma as this sentence continues after the speech.

replied Walter, a trickle of sweat slid down his back
That line didn’t read quite right. There might be a word missing: “and a trickle”, maybe?


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

Considering the tight word limit for the contest, you told a very interesting story. The readers got to know the character quite well, the way he reacted to the broken sign and where his thoughts went while he was waiting for it to be fixed, trying not to panic. A good story!




** Image ID #2154080 Unavailable **
*DragonHeadR* Come and join the fun at "WDC Dragon Vale " Open in new Window.! *DragonHead*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/03/2024 @ 9:24pm EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4773412