%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4770863 |
 | Judgment of Man  [ASR] "I didn’t see anything.”  |
| (4.0)| Dear Josh Keiser ,A few thoughts came to my mind as I read and after consuming your contest entry and maybe my input might help. I do not get a feeling of scene or the narrator but do get a sense of human empathy that felt strong and compelling for a reader. Questions a reader might have: what contest and what are the parameters from prompt to length? As a reviewer, it might help me conceive of what the intent or direction of this short piece might help me before I settle in to consume. What precipitates this scene? Does the narrator have a security position? The latter question asked because I know we (security) bust them, no matter what. Judgment is left to a higher authority. What does this speaker see or relate to that caused him to react this way? My sentiment would be, if a security guard, first day on the job. But, won't have a job much longer. The speaker knows from that 'jingle' but we don't know. Can there be clues if this is from a specific person who deserves to be robbed? Motive for either character hasn't applied. Plus, I feel constructing a setting that describes will answer some of these questions. How can this person know all this stuff about the man from looking at him? I have to imagine this is at night with minimum lighting. I want to think the speaker has an experienced or innate ability to comprehend this. He's either a strong empath or a person who has suffered the same. It's common for us to root for the underdog. The guy who gets this break. But, he's supposing a lot of information. He's a weak voice. I'd like a strong one, one that we the reader can get behind. Otherwise, we have two robbers, and he's been left with a bit of the loot. Was there urgency? Could he have been detained to ask even a question? This had to be some kind of powerful human connection to let this go with a mere utterance and end scene. Again, length restriction might prohibit. Ultimately, we are left with a summation that dovetails this together. A coin of thanks. Not much from the sounds of how much he is carrying. Either way, not the point. It is the sensory and physical representation of the coin that gives a reader a sense of a moral here. Though, which can we rely on: always let robbers pass, it's good to look the other way to help someone you do not know? be charitable and you might get a coin for you ability to know when someone needs a break? I'm coming up with these random thoughts on a timer from the read and review link where I found this item today. I am hopefully giving some hopeful insight into what I've taken away, if in this scattergun approach any of it could help you further develop this contest entry dated 8/22, so for a month long contest? It reads like a vignette more than story and needs further character development and a bit of background story with setting to show us where were at and something described that we can apply era to. I think the story is fine as it is. As contest entry, I don't know the parameters the writer is forced to work with. If even a link to the contest, I could look it up and give more specific response to this piece, judged solely on what's presented, which it will likely be after contest. Some suggestions: You can have three genres, and 'contest entry' does not describe the story. The pull down list will help, if you know what genres will aid reader perception. I can't grasp where or the era but got a general idea from the coins that it's before paper currency and also inferred them as gold, but don't know what era that ended. One typo caught: The crowbar in (h)is opposite hand caught the glare of a streetlight. Grammar: His eyes met mine, (as) I shot a look at the large bag he had hoisted over his shoulder. This could be resolved by punctuation or a word added, as above. It's two separate sentences and could be conjoined by a semi-colon. Last of my preferred options. Not like this is a bad story. Your on a time restrainr, like me to review you in under an hour. But, there could be several grammar points, like ending on a preposition, or where to put emphasis in sentences to get more value out of these remarks from the unknowable protagonist. Either way and any way, I do feel something for this quick story. I can imagine being the one who writes something like this, constrained by contest limitations. The idea of which is to boil down each word as integral to creating a worthy story for judgment. This story has an event and an outcome and information that explains actions. Maybe, just a little conflict for your main man, either looming crow bar more threatening, or consequences of conscience of letting this robber run off/job security. It was a pleasure, Brian WDC Angel Army and newbie reviewer   I've chosen not to go back through and edit my review, in hopes offering more takes on story versus basic general rules of writing composition might have value, plus I am available for further question. Low vision thing. 1200 words plus formatting in 35 minutes, as I'm patting myself on the back. Out! Review #22   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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