%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4770589 |
 | Devil Girl  [13+] Written for Halloween short story contest.  |
| (3.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: I can’t say that I didn’t see it coming. There was something in the first paragraph where you mentioned the good health of the four year old - just one, not two. I don’t know if that was intentional and you didn’t want to keep the twist at the end a secret, or if that was a mistake, but it stood out to me. When you started to describe the Halloween party four years earlier, it wasn’t a surprise who the girl was. I think it probably would have worked better had you not given it away in the first paragraph, making the readers believe that two girls, the main character’s daughter and his niece, were playing in the garden, and then hitting them with the truth at the end. The story itself was quite shocking, obviously. The way you described the sister made me think that she perhaps had a somewhat unhealthy obsession with her older brother, but the parents didn’t seem too concerned and generally, George wasn’t bothered either, so it seemed quite harmless. When a masked girl took an interest in him at the party, the readers already knew who she was so they watched with morbid fascination as the events unfolded.  Suggestions: I was missing some dialogue in this tale. You told the story from George’s point of view, and the readers could see what he was thinking, but it would have been interesting to see him interact with the other characters. For example, you said that his friends encouraged him to talk to the girl who was looking at him, but you missed the opportunity to show the readers how they did it. Did they gently suggest it because he was their friend and they wanted him to have a good time, or did they laugh and push him in her direction, egging him on? It would have told the readers a lot about them and about George. Likewise, when he met the girl, you said it was loud and he could barely hear her, but I think it would have worked better if the had made a stuttering introduction, perhaps felt himself sweating under his costume, wanting to turn back, but then she took his hand and pulled him to the dance floor… something like that, anything to make the characters a bit more rounded.  Final Thoughts: I thought this was an unusual story - not many writers are happy to tackle a subject such as this, so it was quite original. You have a good start here, but it could use a bit more emotion. How did George react when he saw who the girl was, and how did she defend her actions? I’m guessing that the contest this was written for had a word limit, but this story would be worth expanding now that the contest is over. There is a lot you could do with this, and it wouldn’t take much to really make the emotions jump off the page.    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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