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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4769540
Review #4769540
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Pocket Size Stories Open in new Window. [E]
An experimental collection of exactly 100 words (mostly)
by Amethyst Angel 🍁🙏 Author Icon
         Review for entry/chapter: "Hopeless" Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi Amethyst Angel 🍁🙏 Author Icon,

Thank you for entering your poem, "Hopeless" Open in new Window., into "Fox's Socks Newbie Poetry Contest" Open in new Window.. I am Choconut, one of the contest judges for the July round.

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.

Disclaimer


The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.


What I liked:

*Bulletv* This is a powerful poem. The theme of depression, of feeling stuck and burned out from relationships that have not worked out, is really strong. I could relate to every line that you have written. Your voice is clear, and it makes the narration all-the-more poignant.

*Bulletv* I like your use of end-of-line rhymes. The scheme is aabb, ccdd, etc. You have successfully employed this rhyme, and it gives the poem a great pace. It keeps the narration moving, rather than letting your readers dwell too long on each section. The couplets are a good way to achieve this.

*Bulletv* I love your description of, "A heart stuffed with foolishness." That resonates a lot with me. Who hasn't felt that about themselves at some point?


Suggestions:

The main places I would try to rework are all areas to make the rhythm a little smoother. I appreciate there is no set meter, but it would still be good if the lines felt more even. You could make a big difference by taking out a few words here and there. "Good, bad, right, wrong, love burned down to dust / Losing my soul in a maze of ashen mistrust." If you took out the words I have suggested here, it would read more smoothly. It would also bring out the alliteration of "maze" and"mistrust." Similarly, "I venture out,ward to look for something alive." If you changed this as per my suggestion, it would make this section smoother as well.


Parting comments:

If this is written from personal experience (which it certainly reads as though it is), I just want to say that your mind appears to be anything but weak. A weak mind wouldn't be able to express so eloquently the depths of depression. I think this poem is a great reflection of the inner turmoil of feeling hopeless. You know your own patterns of behaviour, but feel powerless to change them. But you aren't powerless, though. Just writing about them is power, in itself.

Thank you for sharing this poem. Great work!


Choconut
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 08/16/2024 @ 12:10pm EDT
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