*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4768127
Review #4768127
Viewing a review of:
 The Beast in the Basement  [E]
A bouts rime from end words gathered on a walk down my street
by Fyn
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Dear Fyn ,

I found this poem on the read and review page at WDC and was intrigued at first by the metaphor of a furnace as beast and alligator, until I sat back and really looked to note the words had shaped to offer the profile of an alligator face.

I liked the sarcasm in that opening statement and with this shape form, it flows rather well to emphasize this frustration with the furnace. The direction you took the overused phrase “Far from the least” to show “just the single largest” problem this speaker has to deal with...was nicely constrasted to make statement.

I like new expressions and tried to think of ways “mingle-mangle” functions in description of the personified furnace. It could be a particular vernacular or expression germane to a region, but also like to think as poet, forming words into new expressions, we can test reader’s knowledge and ability to transform these new phrases, incorporated in a story poem like this. It can give greater dimension envisioning what you craft here.

“Mingle” seems out of place but with “mangle” there is a co-mingling of alliteration and assonance with a fun lyrical quality. It helps keep the tone of the poem light, tempering frustration and sarcasm in rant. I might quibble with what it is really doing, but there is some evidence further down in poem in describing that gives one a clue.

The furnace is described as “demanding” reverence while the sheet metal encasing it is rusted and the thing has “noxious carburetor breath.” Therein, I see some irony at play. So, it’s old and not working right and the narrator is turning it into this thing that is dominating home life, perhaps over-consuming fuel, or at least leaking it, suggested by poem end? Either way, personifying it and giving the notion of sending it away to a scrap heap one day is ‘fond desire,” again, tempers this voice with the torment of something described as a beast/alligator.

I like the idea of the thing lurking in the dark, bellowing and belching, as would a dragon. Dragons can seem more ferocious or noble, so an alligator in its swamp, peering at one with eyes over water gives a creepy feeling. I’m surprised there is not something more about how it represents as an alligator. Though, the shaped text is amusing.

I’m along for the ride with this one. It presents a narrative voice well and personifies this rusty old furnace in a way that one must think the owner/operator has to put up with it…either from the cost to replace/repair or as tenant where landlord is not interested in the cost of its replacement. I’d have to assume it’s ownership, as you end with this desire to scrap it. Love where you broke off “twist-ed” on the two lines with the hyphen sticking out, could almost be longer and serve as tongue or tooth perhaps?

Also, the “it’s on my list” line seemed an interesting point in this context. I wonder, if besides the cost, if this person is burdened with a lot of to-dos and adds character to speaker. This poem rant is from an overwhelmed state where one must dream the future scrapping to watch it “bleeding fuel and silently, dying." Destroying something is theraputic. (I think the comma there could go?) I did notice a missing ‘d’ in ‘demanding’.

Overall, this was clever and a joy to consider for feedback. It shows creativity and a good handle on language to bring the furnace beast to life for a reader like me to image and relate in knowing similar ailments with home heating devices, the trouble, the cost and more. Respect for this.

Brian

WDC Angel Army Reviewer
Non-Animated Angel Army Signature

Wow, I got through whole review before I knew it was you! *Laugh* Only had 44 minutes to get done. Hope it doesn't sound too rushed.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You last responded to this review 08/14/2024 @ 9:14am EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4768127