%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4767993 |
 | The Climb  [E] A poem with Brave, Bridge and fruit in it  |
| (4.5)    HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY!!! from "Anniversary Reviews"  Celebrating your writing this month with a review. Happy Account Anniversary Quick-Quill , Nicely worded, short, tight poem that I'm instructed at outset has derived from prompt words that seemed to point writers toward a fantasy genre, as you cultivated a visual piece with a message employing nature...something more my flavor. So, let's take a look: The path is steep and narrow Boughs arch shelter from the sun A bridge gives rest for dry feet As sun rays warm cool skin I break out these four lines that act as introduction to scene and some sensory words come in play. A reader is given a poem with a narrative voice that directs our view to the 'path' described as 'steep and narrow' and felt the sense to duck, as 'Boughs arch shelter' above a head, and that kind of put me there, and then my eyes, redirected, spared from that sun by end of line two. Line three might seem tired and does not build on the active imagery. It tells, as it can be assumed what a bridge does. I found this an opportunity to help us visualize here, depict with appearance and placement of that structure...high, low? And then, back to the sun. I see an opportunity here to already imply the sun's influence on the surface of whatever bridge material and still employ those rays to 'warm cool skin'. To this point the poem functions. I'd like to see you get even more mileage out of those words. Anaphora is your friend to tempt a reader's imagination and interest. This next line repeats 'steep', as with 'sun' earlier. With anaphora, applying like thesaurus, you can select another depictive word. However, you might want to show action, like ascent, since we already know the incline, or 'climb' or 'climb the incline' to get an inner rhyme that would be fine. But, not that much rhyme, as I've demonstrated over doing it.  But, great to break out for kids or to rap?Only the brave dare pass Gravel stones fight the hold In the above two lines we get a depiction of the bridge/path and the statement 'Only the brave dare pass' is like a Kafka gun in the first act, should you know the reference, 'has to go off in the second act'. Meaning, we need a reason why one must be 'brave' (we learn by the end). The treachery starts with 'steep' and 'stones fight'. How about altitude? I'll put that in play with my imagination. Scarier now. The next line well demonstrates and shows the reader the scene once again, and works very well in this continuation: "Branches reach down their help..." I did think one word could be replaced, 'their', with 'to help' or 'with help'. "Onward climbs the determined" Hmm. I joke, 'determined' is a cliffhanger. Get it? It does describe a class of folk who are determined. This is something that is definitely the poet's choice. However, when thinking of our readers, we want them to keep up and join us on this climb, need all the help they can get. Perhaps, smooth the way for them so they don't stumble over a hole that might need fill of a missing word 'one' or 'ones' to combine with 'determined'. It's barely a hiccup, but something to consider when paving the way for a reader. It also helps the poet conceive of goal and how poem delivers in the end. (phew, I'm tired from all my metaphors.) And, what do you know? the goal is just in sight GOAL! Green grass to comfort the weary Instead of green, known, maybe some thing else grass, sensory? Sweet fruit a worthy reward These three lines are where you stick the landing. I like knowing the goal is just in sight, as my mind's eye adjusts to visualize what that might be. The green grass and it's comfort is welcoming. The final line about reward could be more specific, described even. What are we eating? This is all great and wraps up nicely. It might be fun to forebode why we climb. Perhaps, that arch could be prickly. Do we sweat and/or chill enroute? My mind wants to imagine a secret place, perhaps a secret route to commune with a harvest. And with whom? Alone? I like all the feels I'm getting. I can apply some of this as reader myself. I'm openly stating or suggesting as I review to help myself and poet envision more, if just to consider with that next write. You have a bounty before you, created a great structure to fill, and get 'more mileage' from. It's a short read, not a long hike. Sometimes, a reader will benefit from poem structure attuning to subject/theme, just as you have employed green font to help with depiction (nice choice, btw). I can see it being stretched out to show the difficulty, or tightly packed with more active language to struggle the dense. It's just loaded and loved to see it come to fruition, should you revisit. Had another metaphor in me. As you see, I'm enthusiastic about this poem and enjoy commenting in metaphor and pun to intone what you have offered. Thank you for sharing this and hope to be back to pick a few more ripe pieces and harvest a review or two more. All the best, Brian WDC Anniversary and Angel Army Reviewer   Okay, gonna hang up my eyeballs. Gotta save some for the novel.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/30/2024 @ 7:49pm EDT