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Review #4767000
Viewing a review of:
 Summer  [E]
Summer from a different point of view.
by dragonline (dragon online)
Review of Summer  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Dear dragonline (dragon online) ,

This popped up in the read and review page, so I gave it a quick read through. I find the narrative voice to be a bit grouchy, irritated, as anxiety and stress are melting away. This poem could serve as the catharses beginning, with that pen put to paper.

If I look at your poem on the whole and respond, even if spoken in conversation, it would be yes, yes and yes! But, why are you here talking about it, go do! It feels like this is what the narrative wants to be, and is finding time to unwind, but idling. Obsessed with issues unresolved, perhaps? Going back to the reminder of annoyances, with 'the absence of sound' that still seems to haunt, plague, as if those unruly kids will come back.

As for showing, there's mostly telling, no scenes to engage reader but depictions of what this speaker wants to do. It comes across as an experienced voice, but one that is troubled despite this break from the world. Sometimes, all we can do is complain. It feels like in that emptiness, we bore someone with this or that, forgetting their not interested, not interested in them ourselves. And yet, I find this to be honest and true about some people.

I feel this needs some specific imagery; what's the deal with kids? How can we see them disturb? Why is the voice saying what it wants to do, rather than give glimpses of these freedoms to release a reader, too? I think the word play is fine. It employs long sections in each verse before end rhymes. It's not as tight of a poem that employs this type of rhyme scheme well, usually faster paced.

The word play could be upbeat, but I don't know. Maybe, it could be more lyrical to convince me, but the speaker feels tired. And, maybe a poem like this best describes their mood...not quite there yet.

It was a pleasure to discover your writing today and hope to be back again.

Best wishes,

Brian
WDC Angel Army Reviewer
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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 08/03/2024 @ 4:40pm EDT
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