Good day, thank you for the opportunity to review your work.

This is a very unique and interesting idea. The changes in Robert were profound.

What worked for me:

I loved the way the old woman seemed interested only in teaching him a lesson. It sounds like she could have just killed him. Instead, she used his own words to teach him.

What didn't work:

Grammar and punctuation - I noticed quite a few places with incorrect or missing punctuation. Your word choices in a few areas sometimes left me confused. You even left this at the end of one sentence: /justify}. I highly recommend using a spell check program before you publish your work. Grammarly is also a great program to use.

What happened to his job as a lawyer? Did he quit? Was he fired? When his building was destroyed, why didn't he just go to a hotel or rent a new place?

This ties into my next point: you do a lot of telling and not showing us what we see. This leads to you assuming facts we readers have not picked up. For instance:

"..., where he found a woman who recognized his description of the gypsy." When did he decide the old woman was a gypsy? Explaining that would have added to the story.

"He sprinted out of the shelter and began to guide people to safety using whatever he could shield them with." How many did he help? What did he shield them with? Was anyone injured? These questions and more could be answered if you would have added that to the story, helping us see what he did, not just hear about it.

"He said, to a neighbor..." What neighbor? Did he find a new place?

So much detail is left out when we tell, and don't show, it takes away from the story.

This is such a great story idea it deserves the work needed to clean it up.

I know this critique may seem harsh and unforgiving. The first critique of my own work years ago shattered me. Don't let this one do it to you. Work on the story. Work on showing, not telling. That will give you the greatest overall improvement.

Write On!





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .