Review of Eyes of Slate and Limping Gait

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Review #4754286

Viewing a review of:

Eyes of Slate and Limping Gait

[13+]
A confused stranger thinks he's found the architect of a revolution to free their country.
by Schnujo's NOT Doing NaNoWriMo

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4754286

Review of Eyes of Slate and Limping Gait

Review by Tiggy

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Access: Public | Hide Review (?)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

First Impressions:

That was a very interesting beginning. You mentioned ‘the invasion’ and then left it there, and the readers could fill in the blanks as they wished. An alien invasion, a military offensive by another country? From the description, the readers already knew that there might be a revolution in the country’s future to ‘free’ it. From what wasn’t really important. I assume you had a word limit and you used it wisely, not wasting any on unnecessary explanations. Sorry, I got a little hung up on a single word but I thought this was very well done.

I had no trouble imagining Jack and Jamie as they stood on the street begging for money and looking for work. At first, I thought Jasper was another man doing the same, and it was only a few paragraphs later that you made their relationship clear. Suddenly, it made sense why he just stood there watching.

The society you described here was quite bleak, and they have pinned their hopes on a saviour with grey eyes and a limp. At first, it seemed like the man who stopped Jamie was a nutcase, a stranger who thought he had found this mysterious leader of the revolution and took it upon himself to draw attention to him. Jamie, naturally, did everything she could to protect her son. It was only later when you revealed that there was more to the prophecy than she let on. Again, this was nicely done.

Suggestions:

The story was very easy to read and very polished. I noticed a couple of sentences you might want to look at:

His limping gait not slowing him down.
This is a sentence fragment. You could make it a complete thought by changing it like, “His limping gait didn’t slow him down.” Or I think it would also work if you attached it to the previous sentence with a comma.

eyes plaintiffly searching her face.
“plaintively”, maybe?

Final Thoughts:

I enjoyed the surprise at the end of this story. There were some great descriptions as well, like the smell of hope and freshly made bread. It left the readers feeling a bit more optimistic about this world as they did at the beginning, so it was a nice ending.