%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4754134 |
 | Fallout Origins: Chapter 2  [13+] Chapter Name: Alone, Abandoned & Afraid  |
| (3.5)| Hi Kile Johnson ,This review was written on behalf of "The WDC Angel Army" Disclaimer The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful. What I liked:  I love the intrigue in this story. I didn't notice until after I read it that it is the second chapter of something longer, so it's possible the questions I have may have been answered in the first chapter. However, I loved not knowing who Nick is. I wondered about his age. He is on his own, he hasn't been home for a long time, and he seems to be able to take care of himself. However, certain things make him seem younger. For example, when he thinks of his "favourite tooth." That made me smile. It endears your readers to him. This is all told from Nick's perspective, so it is important to make your readers feel a connection to him. And you managed this really nicely. The way he calls out to his mom in the diner made me sad. He is alone (and hungry) and he doesn't know how to find food that isn't rotten. I wondered how long he has been away because you said that some of the food has been out of date for years. This part, where he is walking to the diner, is really sad: " ...he knew, that he would never have memories like those ever again." So, whatever has happened is complete, and there is no way back. I got the sense that Nick has lost everyone and everything he cares about. What I want to know is: Why?Suggestions: The first thing I would look at is your sentence structures. Almost every sentence is run-on, making the story a little dense and wordy. So, for example, your first sentence reads, "Nick sat on the hard dirt ground and stared down at the dry soil as he thought about what he was going to do, his father and mother were gone, the town he grew up in was almost completely destroyed and abandoned, and the nearest town was over a hundred miles away." In here, you need to change the first comma to a period. That would make it a little more concise. Remember, there are only certain circumstances in which commas are appropriate. Try to avoid comma splices, which is what I see a lot of in this. When you want to join two independent clauses, you need a conjunction or a semicolon; a comma alone isn’t strong enough to join them. When Nick returns to his home, you use the phrase "completely destroyed" numerous times. Rather than keep repeating this, could you describe in what way things are destroyed? That would pull your readers inside the story world a lot more effectively. Also, while everything is completely destroyed, you mention the front door which is perfectly in tact. Also, you say Nick walks through the house, and the interior (although burned and damaged) is still an interior. So the shell of the house must be sound. Nick walks through different rooms, further showing that the house is not completely destroyed. So I would definitely look at how you describe the house. Just a couple of typos: " ...after a while he fround." - It should be frowned. Also, " ...even though his mother used to break dishes on a weekly bases ..." - It should be basis. Parting comments: This is an interesting story. I am not sure where it is headed, or where it has been. I love the character of Nick, and I want things to be okay for him, but I'm not sure how they can be. He will need to forge alliances with other survivors of this disaster, I'm sure. I am intrigued. Nice work. Choconut
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