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 Review #4751167 |
 | Awake the Warrior - Part 1: Chapter 1  [13+] The surviving people are suffering, desperate for a better life.  |
| (4.0)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: I was really interested in this story when I read the opening comments, that this is intended as a graphic novel. Being a bit of a comic book nerd, I’ve read both novels that became graphic novels later and the other way around (kind of), so I’m always curious how a writer handles this. You did a good job here, and bearing your comment in mind, I could imagine the scene clearly and imagine the corresponding illustrations and the page flow. It looks like the cyborg warrior, who will be introduced in the next chapter, will be the main character, but I was intrigued by the two characters at the end of this chapter, the man and the dark figure in the shadow. They seemed interesting, and I’m sure one or both of them will play a part in the story later on.  Suggestions: I noticed a few occasions where you seemed to have capitalised words randomly. I wasn’t sure if that was on purpose or if they were simply typos: Warrior Let loose As this was the title of the first part, I think you could capitalise all three words, or not capitalise the second, but you should probably pick one option. The war is over and we Won! I’m guessing you wanted to make the last word stand out, but I would do that by using italics, or simply let the exclamation mark do its job of emphasising the word. not their Leader I don’t think you especially wanted that word to stand out so I’m guessing this was a typo. Forty Three years have past “passed” bust into tears “burst” He glancing around him “glanced” I noticed that occasionally, you used very long sentences that I think would work better if they were broken up. For example this sentence: The PA crackled as the microphone was adjusted, a strong male voice began, 'Two Hundred and Sixty years ago the bloodiest and most horrific World War this planet has ever known began,' the voice was formal, astute even. I would suggest ending the sentence after the speech and starting a new one with “The voice…” And again, in this one: He looked at it with an odd sadness, as if parting with it were difficult, before chucking it with more force than needed at the grimy dying man, ‘much good may it do you,’ he muttered I would end the sentence after “dying man” and being a new sentence with ‘Much good…”  Final Thoughts: It was an intriguing beginning, and I liked the opening paragraph that gave the readers an overview where this story will be going in later chapters. It sounds like a good concept: the megalomaniac government, the utopian society, and the cyborg seeking freedom and redemption - you have an interesting idea here. ** Image ID #2154080 Unavailable **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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