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 Review #4751055 |
 |  | But...I'm The Umpire!  [13+] Writing 4 Kids Contest  |
| (4.5)  Greetings! I am reviewing this today as one of the judges for the "Writing 4 Kids Contest " . First of all, my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest. Visually appealing Very appealing! I loved the extra image you included, too.  There were a few paragraphs you forgot to add a line-space between, but that can be easily fixed. Easy to understand Nice flow, great dialogue, good storyline. Followed the prompt & rules You followed the prompt perfectly, though you did go over the word limit by sixteen words. Internal ConflictJessie's name was pulled out of a bag to flip the coin for the World Series, but after he flips it, he can't find the coin. Where did it go?   Characters:You've done a superb job with your characters, Jessie and Macie, who are siblings. Jessie is the older brother, while Macie is the typical little sister who adores her brother and follows him around.  Dialogue:You've obviously been around children.  This is great dialogue and very realistic! Setting:The story begins in the home of brother-and-sister, Jessie and Macie, and then switches over to the baseball field. You have some nice descriptions here. I actually felt like I was in the middle of The Great American Ballpark while Jessie nervously flipped that coin!  Technicalities: I noticed that you indented some paragraphs, but not others. his Dad's should be his dad's since 'dad' isn't a proper noun in this case. There were a lot of "he" words in your second paragraph, which was a little confusing in the following sentence: He didn't ask, but he knew he wouldn't mind. You might consider He didn't ask, but he knew his dad wouldn't mind. I'm not so sure about this sentence... still munching on the ballpark potpourri. Potpourri doesn't feel like it fits in a baseball story for kids, but that's entirely up to you, of course. You might consider replacing it with a simpler synonym.  Favorites:There was a lot to like about this story, so it's hard to pick out favorites. I think I like that Macie, who wanted to be a part of the baseball event with her brother, found the coin in the end, grabbed the microphone from Mr. Castellini after he announced it was heads, and yelled, "PLAY BALL!" to the crowd. Yes, I believe that's my favorite part. Well...that and also when she shrugs, palms up, and says, "But... I'm the Umpire." Very cute! And of course, the perfect title for this story. Final thoughts:You've got some great visuals going on in this piece. You also include many senses, which brings the story depth. This is very well-written and with a few tweaks here and there, a keeper, for sure! Even though you went over the word count limit, I'm glad you entered this contest. It's a fun read and shows you definitely have a gift at writing for children. Best of luck in the contest... Have a great day and...  K e e p on W r i t i n g ! Cubby ")
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