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 Review #4750754 |
 | The Greatest Motivator  [ASR] Winner! WC12/11/12:Use line - It felt like it would be the last time. Based on true story.  |
| (4.0)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: First of all, thank you for putting the prompt in the description! I keep coming across stories that were written for contests, and I’m the curious kind of reader who wants to know what inspired them, and not finding out has become a pet peeve of mine  I think you used the prompt well in this story - at least until the killer dogs were caught, it would be her last time jogging along that trail, and it was a fitting ending to the story. Not lame at all, actually. Quite well designed to shut up the bully. I know, she disguised herself as a friendly colleague, but at the heart of it, all she wanted was to make fun of the main character. But Melissa had her number and knew exactly what to do.  Suggestions: This is quite an old story, written for a contest that is long over, but if you are still interested in making edits, I noticed that you mix your characters in the paragraphs, having the two women speak and act in the same one. For example here: "I almost died." She shut up, and gaped at me, first with surprise then skepticism. "What do you mean almost died? "I got away before I was hurt. " She assessed me further, I hadn't expected her to believe me. "Tell me." Melissa said the first sentence, “I almost died.” Then, she, Amy, acts in the same paragraph, but speaks in the next paragraph. The same happens again in the following paragraph with Melissa speaking but Amy acting. I would rewrite it like this: "I almost died." She shut up, and gaped at me, first with surprise then skepticism. "What do you mean almost died? "I got away before I was hurt." She assessed me further, I hadn't expected her to believe me. "Tell me." If you have a look at the other paragraphs, there are a few more errors like this, but they’re an easy fix.  Final Thoughts: I liked how the main character told this story, knowing exactly how to phrase it and what would get her co-worker interested in the tale and what would bore her. The readers weren’t quite sure if it all actually happened like that or if she made it up to wind Amy up, but then there was a twist at the end as Melissa looked at the news story headline. You did a good job with this story. I enjoyed the read!   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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