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![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() First of all, thank you for putting the prompt in the description! I keep coming across stories that were written for contests, and I’m the curious kind of reader who wants to know what inspired them, and not finding out has become a pet peeve of mine ![]() ![]() This is quite an old story, written for a contest that is long over, but if you are still interested in making edits, I noticed that you mix your characters in the paragraphs, having the two women speak and act in the same one. For example here: "I almost died." She shut up, and gaped at me, first with surprise then skepticism. "What do you mean almost died? "I got away before I was hurt. " She assessed me further, I hadn't expected her to believe me. "Tell me." Melissa said the first sentence, “I almost died.” Then, she, Amy, acts in the same paragraph, but speaks in the next paragraph. The same happens again in the following paragraph with Melissa speaking but Amy acting. I would rewrite it like this: "I almost died." She shut up, and gaped at me, first with surprise then skepticism. "What do you mean almost died? "I got away before I was hurt." She assessed me further, I hadn't expected her to believe me. "Tell me." If you have a look at the other paragraphs, there are a few more errors like this, but they’re an easy fix. ![]() I liked how the main character told this story, knowing exactly how to phrase it and what would get her co-worker interested in the tale and what would bore her. The readers weren’t quite sure if it all actually happened like that or if she made it up to wind Amy up, but then there was a twist at the end as Melissa looked at the news story headline. You did a good job with this story. I enjoyed the read! ** Image ID #2154080 Unavailable ** ![]() ![]()
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