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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4750641
Review #4750641
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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi jaya Author Icon,

I am reviewing your short story, "Invalid Item" Open in new Window., as one of the judges for March's official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering, and good luck!

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.


What I liked: I felt as though I was there, in the story, with Mr. Varma and Dibiri. I could feel the cold, damp air seeping into my bones.

*Bulletv* Some of your descriptions of the setting are wonderful. For example, this one, of where Mr. Varma lives: "He had a bungalow on the outskirts of a lonely town." That straight away made me picture a remote, rural place for the story world. You also highlight the darkness that is both physical and mental in the story. That works really well.

*Bulletv* This is another great description: "Moring beauty started unveiling. The eastern sky was colorful. Birds took to wing, and wind started blowing gently." This is a wonderful description of a sunrise. (However, you missed the N out of morning.)

*Bulletv* I liked the way Dibiri took over the story. He was an interesting character who, I think, had seen a lot of tings in his lifetime. I'm not convinced he always told the truth, though. He may have been prone to exaggeration.


Suggestions: I would like to know who Dibiri's father killed with one shot? Was it the man whose jewels he was accused of stealing? That wasn't very clear. A couple of places, you have used periods, but not capitalised the first letters of the next sentences. Here: " ...they heard the low howls of vixen and foxes. there was thick smog all over." and here: "It was dark. everything was dark. whole place was enveloped in darkness." Also, you didn't capitalise this sentence beginning: " Varma asked, 'doesn’t it try to fly away from you?'" I also have a question about the place Mr. Varma said he was frightened for his dog's life. I didn't understand why, and nothing subsequently happened that threatened its life. So that confused me, also.


Parting comments: This is an interesting story. You succeeded in making the sidekick take over the limelight.


Choconut
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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 05/09/2024 @ 9:45am EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4750641