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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4747711
Review #4747711
Viewing a review of:
 Trapped inside Open in new Window. [ASR]
Written in Creative Writing class(2008-2009). The boy wants chocolate.
by Angelica Weatherby- Bday mom15 Author Icon
Review of Trapped inside  Open in new Window.
Review by NaNoNette Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
A "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window. review from
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The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.


Hello Angelica Weatherby- Bday mom15 Author Icon

I found this item on "The Shameless "Plug" Page" Open in new Window.

First impression:

The title and logline give a lot of information. For one, you took a creative writing class. I took part 1 & 2 of the creative writing class offered at my community college and I have to tell you that I quickly thought that members here on Writing.Com give much better feedback (when they want to) than the silly peer reviews that we had to give each other in class.

Trapped Inside; The boy wants chocolate is a nicely cryptic way to describe your story.

What works:

This day in the life of Jose is completely chaotic. In the story, it is told that he is seven-years-old and the narration seems to be from his point of view because the innocence and weirdness of a children's story told from a child's perspective comes through.

What needs work:

His mom went to the grocery store to buy the food needed to make the ice cream. *Right* How about the ingredients.

excited to have some chocolate ice cream after dinner. He stood up and went down to the kitchen table, where his breakfast was *Right* The time switch from dinner to breakfast is a little jarring. How about he asks about the ice cream over breakfast and then Mom explains that he can only have it after dinner. It was like a time switchback to read it like that.

Final thoughts:

The part with the ninja and the girl eating cherries from a can only to leave the house and later turn up at the park was wild. I don't think I have ever read a story with so many moving parts.

Annette
"The WDC Angel Army" Open in new Window.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 04/24/2024 @ 8:26pm EDT
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