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 Review #4747197 |
 | The Long Payoff  [18+] A girl grimly takes care of her father as he once did for her.  |
| (3.5)| Hallo Boulden Shade (fka Jeff Meyer) ! I will be reviewing your work "The Long Payoff" for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"  Pluses: This is a rather dark tale; one that tells of the horrifying experiences a young woman and her father have to deal with in a small town. She is nearly a victim of an incident with five men of disreputable reputation at such a tender age, and if it wasn't for her brave father stepping in to rescue her, we can only imagine what they would have done (or even if she would have survived). Unfortunately, while she was saved, her father endured a beating that almost left him for dead. However, he was thankfully healed by not just the doctors, but by the love and support of a daughter who is forever grateful. Now, she's the one who is in charge of protecting him as they continue the hunt to find those five men responsible for what is left of her father. They do not intend to rest until all five are six-feet-under. You definitely have a way with writing up the imagery in this story. It's almost all visceral without going into too much gory detail. We are there with the father as he confronts these men, and wince in agony at all the injuries inflicted. We are the young girl recounting what those men did to her, and we are allowed to share in her resolution and need for revenge. The characterizations are very well done. You make a clear distinction between who are bad guys and good guys are in this story. We loathe those five men and want to see them come to some form of justice, and the father-daughter combo seems like one you do not want to mess with. Suggestions:Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. >>Right. So first things first, had to change the rating of this story as they contained some words that are considered above the 13+ rating. Please refer to "Content Rating System (CRS)" for more about the rating system on Writing.com.>>You seem to start a lot of your sentences with conjuctions (but, and), which is fine for one or two lines, but when it becomes a pattern, it breaks the flow of the story while reading. For example: ...noise off for good. And she never lost a wink of sleep (you could delete the 'and' and just start your sentence with 'She never lost a wink of sleep.' Still makes the point quite well) >>Now she kept HIM safe, never letting >>And she would NEVER stop (it's never really a good idea to have such words capitalized in a story especially in this context. There are many ways to emphasize the character's intentions, and of course the most popular ways are either using bold or italics. Reading it like this, it almost feels like you're shouting at the reader)   Overall, this was and could be an even more powerful story if it's tightened up a bit more. It was a very interesting read. Thanks for sharing, and keep on writing!   Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/22/2024 @ 8:34pm EDT