%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4746825 |
 | Foretold  [E] Danny's drive home is eventful.  |
| (4.0)   The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. Review of Foretold by Purple Wishing WDC Happy 24th This is an interesting little tale that overcomes its rather ordinary setting to become quite gripping in the telling. Unfortunately, the introductory passage is rather confusing. It's clear that it's the text of a message, it being in italics, but some of it shouldn't be ("The text message from his mom read."). It takes a while to sort out what should be message and what is explanation of the message. This is distracting to the reader and puts the piece at a disadvantage right from the start. It does get better, however. The story proceeds from there to a description of working in the store and tying things up at the end of the day. Then he's out on the road, nearly hit by a car as he gets on to the main road and then picks up a crazy driver a bit later in his journey. There's a minor collision which serves tp illustrate the wisdom of Danny's mom's earlier warning to him and finally arrival back home. Which is fine, as far as it goes. The description is enough to communicate Danny's fear in his encounter with the bad driver but some of the tension is lost because the text is scattered with minor errors. I'll list them so that you can fix them if you wish. "...sliding his hands across his jeans to the excess raindrops off." Missing word. "...He slammed on the brakes, his heart slammed in his chest..." Too much slamming - it's distracting. Better to choose another word for the second instance. "...deal with this crazy drive..." I think you meant "driver." "...flicked on his turn signal, hit the break..." "break" should be "brake." I know this one's a typo because you've spelt it correctly throughot the rest of the text. So that's the story, really. Don't spoil a potentially good story with poor editing. Your writing's much better than that. It's not the most scary story in the world (I would hesitate to call it horror) but it's certainly entertaining and dramatic. Tighten up the minor errors and you'll earn a lot more five star reviews. Review by  Beholden for  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You have not yet responded to this review.