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Review #4746710
Viewing a review of:
 California Open in new Window. []
I was inspired a little by my life, and a lot by Indian Summer by Brooks and Dunn.
by ♥ Author Icon
Review of California  Open in new Window.
Review by Tiggy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: | (4.5)
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*PenB* First Impressions:

I enjoyed this vignette. It could easily be part of a longer work but it also works perfectly on its own. You did a great job with the descriptions - in fact, the opening line was a great hook even though I had to read it a couple of times to get what you were talking about. The scene was very easy to imagine, from the setting to the character’s facial expressions and their emotions. I felt that I got to know them quite well in this scene. The girl seemed confident and positive, ready to go out on her own, or at least without the father of her baby who didn’t want to step up. The boy was supportive as a best friend should be, only that he faced the added complication of having feelings for her. They seemed to be doing what they had done lots of times before, sit and chat and enjoy their friendship while it became apparent to the readers how he felt. The ending was quite poignant and left the readers hoping that he would actually get to say those words to her before she left.


*PenG* Suggestions:

I only have a few small suggestions:

feeling that where ever you go, people are always starring at you?
“wherever”, one word. And “staring”.

wanted him to being with
“begin”

if it came up a punched him
“and” instead of “a”


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

I thought the tone of this story was exceptional. It was serious in places but mainly there was a quiet understanding between the two friends that was a joy to read, and the depth of their emotions was very well done in such a short tale.




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