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 Review #4746490 |
 |  | "The Red Umbrella Mystery" script form  [E] What would you do for a loved one?  |
| (4.0)| The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. This is being reviewed for
 One last review.  I love that you use dropnotes in your items. I think that's fabulous. I do sometimes and other times I use light gray text to differentiate the bits such as the prompt, contest, etc. because I'm too lazy to hunt down the code to use dropnotes, especially before I discovered the little dropnote button on top of the text box. WHAT?!? Has that ALWAYS been there??? How have I never noticed that before??? Yeah, so I just learned that like 2 weeks ago or something and felt quite dense after that, but also happy to now know.  "Diplomas, City awards, maps of Texas hanging on the walls, a picture of the family ranch "The Quad Triple Bar Ranch."" Pretty sure "city" doesn't need to be capitalized here unless he lives in City, TX. Also, the name of that ranch is awesome! I really want to see their brand! That is a fabulous name!  "JACKSON (JAX) MCCRAE, a 36-year-old Cowboy, turned Businessman..." You just said his full name in the paragraph above, so I'm pretty sure you don't need it again unless it's some sort of script-writing requirement.  Also, you don't need to capitalize "cowboy" or "businessman."  "A voice that would set many women to shake from within with desire." This isn't a complete sentence. I'm not sure if it's supposed to be for stage directions, but I LOVE THIS DESCRIPTION!  I love that he has his secretary send flowers to his mom. This is so typical, at least in the movies and such, but also a bit uhh...what's the word? Anyway, where some people don't like it or don't like him for it and others say it's perfectly fine. Nice work here. I also like the touch of "again" on forgetting his mom's birthday. Yikes! lol Yeah let's not let that happen again! ""...No, don't answer that," laughing at what he just said." Are you allowed to put the "laughing at what he just said" right by the text like you would in a story? I think it's supposed to be separated as stage directions. But TBH, I didn't do a great job with this script-writing, myself, and I certainly don't recall all the rules. Not to mention, he thanked me, but said I didn't do it exactly, fully right.  It's apparently trickier than I thought. lol"What running from the sight of you?" I don't fully get this. Did you mean "What? Running from the sight of you?" ""You have no idea what I'm capable of, my dear boy." laughing at her comment." Oh, is this foreshadowing?  Whether it is or not, I'm back to thinking the instructions don't go with the words like you have them here. "Thank you for the gifts, I'll let Don know. Are you coming back today?" Okay, this is the very next line and I'm noticing that you sometimes use quotation marks with the lines they are speaking and sometimes don't. I don't think you're supposed to, right? Well, one of these isn't right because sometimes you do and sometimes you don't. Bits like this are what are impacting your rating. But luckily, I'm curious to know what's going to happen anyway. "He reaches down and picks an umbrella out of the stand at the door. Realizing he left his hat at home that day." I don't know if you can use fragments and such in the stage directions, but it doesn't really matter much because in this case, it's easy to fix and actually seems weird as a fragment since it's right next to the sentence it should be attached to. Just say, "...stand at the door, realizing he left his hat..." Problem solved. ""You need to watch where you're going!" sounding frustrated and angry." I'll stop pointing out the bits where you have stage directions in the parts with the lines. Just keep an eye out and fix them when you edit next time. As Auburn, Alabama is my hometown, I fully support Arleigh having auburn hair. You've stopped putting the dialogue in the center. IDK if that was on purpose or not, but it seems odd. I love his response about how much effort reservations require for proposing to a beautiful woman. That's fabulous! How could she turn down a proposal like that? When the men grab her, I don't think you should say they bolted in because you just said she unbolted the door, so it seems like you don't know enough other words. The stranger told Jax he'd give him 15 minutes because of the rain, but then tells him he's only got 9 1/2 after he said he started the clock. Shouldn't that be 14 1/2? Okay, it's over and I'm a bit confused. There were a bunch of red umbrellas on purpose? Did I miss something? And I assume he was shot, but with all the red umbrellas, how do they know which is him? So, I'm not taking off stars for the ending because it's a bit intriguing, but I don't get it. Anyway, this was an interesting story and I think you could do even more with it. I hope you revisit it one of these days, whether as a play or a story.  Keep sharing your work with us. I do enjoy it!   Thank you! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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