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Review #4745554
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by A Guest Visitor
         Review for entry/chapter: "Invalid EntryOpen in new Window.
In affiliation with The Free Folk  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)


Hello Elizabeth

You are receiving this review of "Invalid EntryOpen in new Window. in connection with "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window..

*Gem* Areas of Strength

*Bullet* The story effectively portrays Giannine's internal struggles with her body image and the practical challenges she faces in a post-apocalyptic world. This adds depth to her character and makes her more relatable to readers. "Giannine hoisted her jeans over her hips, internally lamenting, once again, that her size hadn't been available." This line conveys Giannine's frustration with her body size and sets up her character's journey of self-acceptance and adaptation in a harsh world.

*Bullet* The descriptions of the setting and the characters' actions are vivid and immersive, allowing readers to easily visualize the scene and the emotions of the characters. "Giannine could only dream of finding something that fit her so well, not only for reasons of size, but also because she couldn't have them directly issued to her by the military like Freya had done the year before." This description contrasts Giannine's longing for well-fitting clothes with Freya's privileged access, highlighting their different circumstances and adding depth to their characters.

*Bullet* The dialogue between Giannine and Freya feels natural and realistic, providing insight into their relationship and personalities. It also helps to move the plot forward and build tension in the story. "Are you ready?" asked Freya. "I've been waiting for ten minutes already. We have so much to do today." This dialogue not only conveys Freya's impatience and sense of urgency but also sets the tone for their upcoming mission, adding tension to the narrative.


*Gem* Areas for Improvement

*Bullet* While Giannine's character is well-developed, there is room to further develop Freya's character. We know she is military-trained and resourceful, but more insight into her background, motivations, and emotional state would add depth to her character. Include more backstory or moments of introspection for Freya to reveal her motivations, fears, or past experiences. This can be done through conversations with Giannine or internal monologues.

*Bullet* The story transitions quickly from Giannine getting dressed to embarking on their mission, which may leave readers wanting more buildup and anticipation for the journey. Add a brief scene or paragraph before they leave the house to build anticipation and tension. This could include Giannine and Freya discussing their plan, preparing their gear, or reflecting on the risks ahead.

*Bullet* There is a sense of danger in the post-apocalyptic setting, but the specific conflict or threat they face on their mission is not clearly defined, which can weaken the sense of urgency and suspense. Introduce a specific threat or obstacle they must overcome during their journey. This could be encountering hostile survivors, navigating through a dangerous area, or facing a moral dilemma that tests their resolve.

*Bullet* The dialogue between Giannine and Freya, while natural, can become repetitive in its focus on their mission and survival. This can make the interactions feel less dynamic and engaging. Include moments of lighter conversation or banter between Giannine and Freya to break up the tension and add depth to their relationship. This can reveal more about their personalities and create a more dynamic dialogue.



*Gem* Overall Impression

Overall, the story presents an intriguing post-apocalyptic scenario with well-developed characters and a strong sense of setting. The dynamic between Giannine and Freya is engaging, and their mission adds a sense of urgency and adventure to the narrative. The details about their preparations, the dangers they face, and their internal struggles create a rich and immersive world for readers to explore.

However, there are areas that could be improved to enhance the story further. Adding more depth to Freya's character, providing clearer stakes and conflicts, and pacing the story to build anticipation would strengthen the narrative and deepen the reader's engagement. Additionally, varying the dialogue to include lighter moments and interactions could add nuance to the characters and make their relationship more dynamic.

Despite these areas for improvement, the story shows great potential and creativity. With some revisions and additions, it could become an even more compelling and immersive tale. Keep exploring the world you've created and delving into the complexities of your characters—it's clear you have a strong foundation to build upon. Keep writing and refining your craft, and you'll continue to grow as a storyteller.



*Snow2*          *Swords*          *Snow4*          *Swords*          *Snow2*


Let your imagination run wild.

Set your creativity free.

We are the Free Folk.

And we do not kneel.


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DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed within this review are the sole product of the reviewer. They do not necessarily reflect those of the group, activity and/or event in which they are affiliated. Any implementation of suggested edits is at the sole discretion of the piece's writer; they may be used when and where deemed necessary by the writer of the piece and/or disregarded in their entirety. The reviewer releases any and all rights and/or claims to those suggestive edits should they be utilized by the writer of the piece.


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